someone walks into a bar

well dan, unless they're about french women who teach english and whose names are carole, i wont be offended

Damn, there goes that one.

i knew it we're easy targets

Lol

Ok, I'll start off with some slightly rude ones but nothing spectacular...

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing his underpants. Another guy comes up to him and says, "What the hell are you meant to be?". Underpant man replies, "I'm a premature ejaculation." The man, shocked, ask how he's dressed up as that. "Well," he replies, "I've just come in my pants!

Ok that's my only cleanish one done...

Two nuns in a bath. First one says, "Where's the soap?". The second replies, "Yes it does, doesn't it!"

A piece of string walks into a bar. He says "I want a pint of whatever's on tap." The bartender says, "Are you a piece of string?" and the string says, "Yeah." The bartender says "Well sorry, we don't serve string in here."

The string walks out, and goes down the street to another bar. The bartender, again, asks him if he's a piece of string. "Yes," says the string. "Well," says the bartender, "We don't serve string in here."

On his way to the next bar, the string runs into an old friend and gets an idea.

"Hey," he says to his friend, "Will you tie me in a knot and fray my ends?" The friend says "um...I don't really want to...why?" and the string says "No, don't worry, just do it." So his friend does.

He walks into the next bar and orders a pint. The bartender says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" and the string says, "I'm a frayyyyed knot!"

That was *beautiful*!

guy walks into a bar with a giraffe. they both get piss faced. the giraffe falls over, man goes to walk out of the bar. the bartender goes, "hey, you can't leave that lying there." man turns around and goes, "thats not a lion, thats a giraffe." and walks out of the bar.

Two blondes walk into a bar.

You'd have thought at least one would have the sense to duck.

Sorry to any blondes. I'm a blonde myself so

a group of blondes walk into a bar, yelling "56 days, 56 days!" they go on this vein for a while, until the bartender asks "What are you shouting 56 days for?" one of the blondes replies "We did a jigsaw that said 1-3 Years, but we did it in 56 days!"

sorry..couldn't resist...

Blind man in a ladies bar (a classic!!)

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a
drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to
him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, you should know five things .....

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".

a mouse walks into a bar says ill have a pint of lager please, bartender says get bent i aint servin a mouse... next day da mouse goes into the bar again and says ill have a pint of lager please bartender says rite f*** off and if u cum in here again ill nail ur penis to the floor..... next day the mouse walks in again and says can i have a pint of nails... bartender says we dont have any nails here.. the mouse says gr8 ill have a lager then!

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bartender?"

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back!

He saddles-up and starts to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

"I had to walk home."

haha
the one Coombes posted was great as well

Guy walks into a bar with 3 ducks. He puts each duck up on the bar then orders a drunk. After pounding back a few he goes to the restroom. Its a bit tense at the bar so the barender walks up to one of the ducks and asks "Whats your name?", the duck says" My names Huey.", the bartender says "Hi Huey, How was your day?", Huey says "My day was awesome, I was in and out of puddles all day long, how much better of a day can i have."
The bartender says "thats great", he moves over to the next duck and asks "Hi, whats your name?", the duck says "My names Luey", the bartender says "Hi Luey, How was ur day?", luey says, "My day was great, I was in and out of puddles all day long, how much better of a day can there be?" the bartender says "thats great", moves onto the third duck, "Hi, whats your name?", the duck says in an annoyed voice, "My name's puddles and dont ask how my day was."

A child molester, a pedifile, and a preist walk into a bar.....and that was just the first person.

A guy walks into a bar on the 45th story of a building. He has a few drinks, then he sees a guy jump out of the window then float right back up. He runs up to the guy "WHOA!! How did you do that?!" to which he replies "Well, there's an updraft under this window and if you jump out, it'll push you right back up!" So the guy jumps out, and hits the ground and dies. The bartender looks at the other guy then says "You're a real a$shole when you're drunk, super man..."

I said that first one wrong...it's a child molester, a sex offender, and a preist walk into a bar...haha yeah

i find the dyslexic one very offencive,
YOUR ON MY LIST!!

don't you mean :" YOUR ON MY LITS "

ROTFL

Here's to priests *eg*

ow sorry Josh.... didnt mean to offend anyone..

(and this goes to show u can laugh about anything, just not with everybody)

Here, this one's called My Son's Sucess:

Four guys go golfing together at a five star golf resort. Once at the 9th hole, one of the guys gets a phone call, and is called off the green. The other three strike up a conversation about their children. The first guy starts bragging "My oldest son is in Housing Developement and Real Estate, and he's been doing so well, that he was just able to give a very good friend of his TWO houses; one for lodging, and one for vacation." So, the second starts bragging about his his son; "My son is in Car Designing and Manufacturing business, and he's been doing so well that he was just able to give a very good friend of his THREE Custom-Designed cars!" So the third guy pipes up, "Oh yeah! Well, MY son is a Stock Broker, and HE's been doing so well, that he was just able to give a very good friend of his a HANDSOM portfolio!" Just then the fourth guy walks back. So the three guys decide to ask him what HIS son does. "Well, " Replies the man with a huge sigh, " To tell you the truth, I'm not really pleased with my son at all. For the past four years, he's been working at a nice upscale salon in New York, and just recently he informed me and my wife that he's gay." To that there was a huge gasp from the other three men. "But, on the brighter side," the fourth man continues, " He must be good at what he does, because his first three boyfriends just gave him two houses, three cars, and a handsom portfolio!"

The end is pretty obvious, but I love this joke!

haha yeah that was pretty good

Lol I hadnt read this thread before but they're all quite funny, especially Danny's ones!