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someone walks into a bar

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carole | 14:16
1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

2. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

that last one did make me laugh
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Dagor | 14:22

The last one was good
carole | 14:25
well i just posted the first two to illustrate the concept
sweet_J_ | 14:27
I never heard the last one that was funny
Dekar | 14:37
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, why the long face?"
Pop_killer | 15:13
Haha the last ones good lol!
Pop_killer | 15:17
A tortoise walks into the bar and says "can I have a pint please?" and the bartender says "sorry we don't serve animals in here".
The tortoise says again "can I have a pint please?" and the bartender says again "sorry we don't serve animals in here". The tortoise says again "can I have a pint please?" so the bartender kicks him out.
A year later the tortoise comes back and says "why did you kick me out the bar?"
victorine | 15:22
don't understand your james.
but i do understands caroles..
Coombes | 16:34
john kerry walks into a bar. barman says "why the long face?"

ha ha
danastasia | 16:38
A man walks into a bar. Ouch!

A nun, Mexican, pair of lesbians, midget, priest and a horse walks into a bar. The barman looks up at them and says, "What is this?! Some kind of joke?!"

A man walks into a bar and pulls out a little lamp and tells the person next to him that it is a magic wish lamp. To prove it, he pulls out a little man and puts him on the bar. To the other guy's amazement, this little man pulls out a piano and starts playing. "Wow!", the other guy remarks, "Where can I get hold of a lamp like that?"..."Have mine!", says the man with the lamp, "It's rubbish anyway. Here, try for yourself." So, the other guy takes the lamp, rubs it and wished for a million bucks. Suddenly, the sky rumbles and a million DUCKS come falling down! "What the hell is this? It doesn't work!" he says. "Well what do you think I wished for...a twelve inch pianist?!"

I had another but I've forgotten it...
Coombes | 16:42
bear walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says :

"can i get a pint of .....


Barman says : "sure ! but why the big pause?"

(pause-paws ... geddit ? funny? no! thought not.)
Pop_killer | 16:45
lol dannys jokes are good!
danastasia | 16:45

Nice effect for the pause

Two pools of vomit walk into a bar. One starts crying. "What's wrong?" says the second pool. "Oh nothing, it's just this is where I was brought up."

A white horse walks into a bar. "You know," says the barman, "We have a type of beer named after you." The white horse replies, "What, Eric?".
NightHobbit | 16:48
A guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orders a Grape Nehi. Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here...where you from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Pennsylvania." The bartender asks, "Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist...what the hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount dead animals." The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."


A vagrant walks into a bar and is told by the bartender to get out! The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges. A moment later another Vagrant walks in to the bar and again the bartender tells this one to leave. The vagrant asks for a cocktail stick and he will leave, to which the bartender obliges. A third vagrant walks into the bar and this time the bartender offers him a cocktail stick to leave. However the vagrant declines the offer and asks for a drinking straw. The bartender inquires to why the Vagrant wants a drinking straw when the other two wanted cocktail sticks? The vagrant replies, 'well someone was sick outside and all the lumpy bits are gone!'


A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest says, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, "No, son, I'm Jesus Christ." The drunk says, "Look, I can prove it." and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, "Jesus Christ, you're here again?"


Ok the first two were dirty, but I couldn't resist.
danastasia | 16:52
Haha love the second one!

Three guys are sitting in bar, when they see their friend Ted walking in. The first one says, "Oh no, here comes Ted. He's just bought a new car and I KNOW he's going to brag about it." The second disagrees, "Nah, he'll just be good old humble Ted, he won't even bring it up." Lastly the third says, "I know Ted better than BOTH of you...He's so clever he'll find a way to do both. Look, here he comes." Ted walks in, spots the gang, waves and says, "Audi Partners!"

I love that joke
NightHobbit | 16:58
Been as every joke is about drinking, this would be useful!

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Room is spinning.
Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
Fault: Drooling on yourself.
Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
Fault: You're at a circus.
Solution: Go to a bar.
DannyB | 17:00
Dyslexics are fnu
danastasia | 17:05
What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexic Association.

I'm going straight to hell >
Katka36 | 17:06
lol dan

* offtopic :
NightHobbit | 17:07
Isn't is NDA then...wait was that a joke....I'm such a lost soul, did you intentionally put NDA instead of DNA....I am so
carole | 17:18


i didnt read all the posts, cuz they're long and im lazy

im tryin to remember that one... um.. a man walks into a bar, orders. and this guy tells him "HEY, u! i f*cked your mom!"..
the first guy ignores him. so the guy insists and goes "HEEEEY ! I F*CKED YO MOM !"..
so the first guy goes "go home dad, u're drunk"

man that was lame
almightybob | 17:18
yes that was the joke louise. and you just ruined it. well done
almightybob | 17:19
hahahahaha good one carole
NightHobbit | 17:19
sorrry oh so sorry
danastasia | 17:19
Haha Carole!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

Ok, who wants me to whip out the unbelievably inappropriate and most likely offensive ones?
carole | 17:20
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