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Jokes - Have A Good Joke? Share It Here!

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Elfwid
1
Elfwid | 19:23
If you have a good joke, write it here!

i'll start with...

Did you hear my hamster died, he fell asleep at the wheel.
(anyone can do better than that)
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saina
2
saina | 11:47
"Hi, ALL!
With the grace and blessings of God almighty & the good wishes of my family and friends, I have bought myself a BMW 750 today. BMW- Bisleri Mineral Water, 750 ml. I was very thirsty."
Captain_Keeta
0
Q: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall?

A: It depends how hard you throw them.
saina
2
saina | 15:36
A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients."

"Yes, sir!" – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Seamus, how was your day?"

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

"The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol."

"Bravo, and the second one?" – asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir." – says Seamus.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" – asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: "HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"

"Thunderin' Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?" – asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes." !!!!!
Captain_Keeta
2
Q: Why couldn't Texas A&M put on a nativity scene?

A: Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
saina
2
saina | 17:22
Daughter: I have fallen with our neighbour, Jack and I am running away with him.

Father: Good, that way I will save both money and time.

Daughter: Dad! I was reading the note Mum left behind.
Captain_Keeta
1
Q: What do you call 53 millionaires around a TV watching the Super Bowl?
A: The Dallas Cowboys.
saina
3
saina | 11:37
Interviewer : Do you participate in any kind of dangerous activities?

Me : Yes, Sometimes I disagree with my wife.
Captain_Keeta
0
Q: How many Dallas Cowboys does it take to change a tire?
A: One, unless it's a blowout, in which case they all show up
saina
2
saina | 14:46
There was a 50 year old lady, who started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to temple.

Everyone was curious and asked her: Why the change of interest to swimming now?

The lady, with a look of haplessness replied: Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrells, she asks him always: If your mom and I were to fall into the water, who would you save first?
And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, I am learning to swim myself.

After many weeks later, her son and daughter-in-law were quarrelling again, and she asked the same question: Now tell me! If your mom and I fall into the water, who would you save first?

The son replied: I don't have to get down into the water, my mom can swim, she will save you.

But the daughter-in-law was refused to relent: No, you have to get into the water. No matter what.

Then he replied: Then you will surely die because I can't swim and my mom will definitely save me first.
saina
0
saina | 19:53
A man lost his wife in a tsunami. One night drunk as skunk, he went to the seashore and stood there for a while. He kept watching the waves touch his feets.
Suddenly, he shouted at the sea: "No matter how many times you touch my feet, how many times you beg, I'll never take her back. It's your mistake. Deal with it now."
saina
3
saina | 18:12
A man meets his friend who has started wearing earrings.

He asks, "Since when did you start wearing earrings?"

Friend: "Ever since my wife found them in my car!"
Captain_Keeta
0
lol.
saina
1
saina | 13:31
An Indian lady visited a bar for the first time. She sat on the table in front of the bartender.

A guy on her left side ordered: "Jack Daniels, single"

A guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, single"

The bartender looked at the lady & said: And you?

Lady replied: "Savitri Sharma, married."
saina
1
saina | 19:53
Astrologer: Do you want to know about your husband's future?

Wife: Rubbish, I will decide his future ! You just tell me about his past.
saina
2
saina | 14:03
Teacher: Complete the sentence.
"Early to bed and early to rise..."

Student: ".... This Man has neither WiFi nor a Wife."
___________________________
A couple was being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary.

"In all that time -- did you ever consider divorce?" they were asked.

"Oh, no, not divorce," the wife said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce!"
Zerodaj
5
Zerodaj | 04:15
Ha. That's a good one. Corny pun joke time!

What do you call it when a cat from the military goes on a monetary leave of absence?

A furlough.
________

What did the male sheep say to the female sheep?

I wish to wool ewe. (Woo you)
________

I just picked up a book on anti-gravity I can't seem to put it down.
Jman3266
0
Jman3266 | 05:30
Windowlicker
beefskewr
fat elephant
rosa paarks
Olivia_Ka
1
Olivia_Ka | 20:36
[Sanctuary for semi-aquatic mammals, Tel Aviv]

*phone rings*

Receptionist: Hello, Israeli Otter Home?

Ray Liotta: Yes, I'm calling from home. How did you know it was me?
Olivia_Ka
1
Olivia_Ka | 12:16
A lion, a witch and a wardrobe walked into a pub

The witch asked for 3 beers..

The landlord replied , "No chance! .. I'm serving Narnia!"
Olivia_Ka
1
Olivia_Ka | 20:09
Breaking: thieves have stolen all the wheels off the local constabulary's panda cars..

A spokesperson for the force said that they are working tirelessly to find the culprits.
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