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Captain_Keeta | 26-07-2015 15:09
Q: What do you call a masturbating bull?
A: Beef Strokinoff.
A: Beef Strokinoff.
roxcyn | 26-07-2015 15:10
Captain_Keeta | 26-07-2015 16:07
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
roxcyn | 29-07-2015 11:29
-My sister bet me a hundred dollars I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
--You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
-How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
--A Brazilian
-What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
--Tennish
-Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
--The retail store.
-Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
--Because the "p" is silent.
-How does a train eat?
--It goes chew chew.
-Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
--He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a number 2 pencil.
-What's Forrest Gump's password?
--1Forrest1
-Knock Knock
--Who's there?
-Britney Spears
--Briney Spears who?
-Knock Knock
--Who's there?
-Oops I did it again.
-What do you call a cow with no legs?
--Ground beef
-How is imitation like a plateau?
--They're both the highest form of flattery.
-A magician was driving down the street,
--then he turned into a driveway.
-What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
-- I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
-What does Batman get in his drinks?
-- Just ice.
[Some were lame, but some were funny.]
--You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!
-How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
--A Brazilian
-What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?
--Tennish
-Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
--The retail store.
-Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
--Because the "p" is silent.
-How does a train eat?
--It goes chew chew.
-Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
--He worked his problem out with a pencil. It was a number 2 pencil.
-What's Forrest Gump's password?
--1Forrest1
-Knock Knock
--Who's there?
-Britney Spears
--Briney Spears who?
-Knock Knock
--Who's there?
-Oops I did it again.
-What do you call a cow with no legs?
--Ground beef
-How is imitation like a plateau?
--They're both the highest form of flattery.
-A magician was driving down the street,
--then he turned into a driveway.
-What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
-- I don't know, but the flag is a big plus!
-What does Batman get in his drinks?
-- Just ice.
[Some were lame, but some were funny.
]Captain_Keeta | 29-07-2015 14:00
Q: What has more lives than a cat?
A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
A: A frog -- it croaks every night.
saina | 08-08-2015 19:06
Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then crawled under the bed to hide until her husband got home.
When he came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened as he started chatting to someone- "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you", he said. "As for the fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she came out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter-
"I could see your feet, you idiot. I am going out to buy bread."
When he came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. His wife listened as he started chatting to someone- "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you", he said. "As for the fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she came out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter-
"I could see your feet, you idiot. I am going out to buy bread."
roxcyn | 08-08-2015 20:12
saina | 09-08-2015 13:01
Mulla Nasruddin borrowed a pot from his friend. The next day, he gave the friend back the pot, plus another smaller pot.
The friend looked at the small pot, and said, "What's that?" "Your pot gave birth while I had it," said Nasrudin, "so I am giving you its child."
The friend, happy to receive the bonus, did not ask another question. A week later, Nasrudin once again borrowed the original pot from the friend. After a week passed, the friend asked Nasrudin to return it.
"I can't," said Nasrudin.
"Why not?" the friend asked.
"Well," Nasrudin answered, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news...but your pot has died."
"What?" the friend asked with skepticism. "A pot can't die!"
"Well, you believed it gave birth," said Nasrudin, "so is why is it that you can't believe it died?"
The friend looked at the small pot, and said, "What's that?" "Your pot gave birth while I had it," said Nasrudin, "so I am giving you its child."
The friend, happy to receive the bonus, did not ask another question. A week later, Nasrudin once again borrowed the original pot from the friend. After a week passed, the friend asked Nasrudin to return it.
"I can't," said Nasrudin.
"Why not?" the friend asked.
"Well," Nasrudin answered, "I hate to be the bearer of bad news...but your pot has died."
"What?" the friend asked with skepticism. "A pot can't die!"
"Well, you believed it gave birth," said Nasrudin, "so is why is it that you can't believe it died?"
saina | 09-08-2015 19:35
What's the use of having a female dog if you ain't gonna name her "Karma" ?
Captain_Keeta | 09-08-2015 20:12
Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the crap out of their seeing-eye dogs.
A: It scares the crap out of their seeing-eye dogs.
roxcyn | 10-08-2015 00:41
* offtopic :
Saina, I don't get that last one.
Saina, I don't get that last one.
Captain_Keeta | 10-08-2015 00:46
Because Karma is a bitch.
roxcyn | 10-08-2015 01:31
Now, I get it,
Captain_Keeta | 10-08-2015 01:39
Jeff is always reading. Don't you worry.
saina | 15-08-2015 20:22
A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest crime. After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead item on the six o'clock news.
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.
Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing bastard! Where the hell have you been? You escaped over six hours ago."
Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every precaution he could think of.
Eventually he arrived at his house and he rang the bell. His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good- for-nothing bastard! Where the hell have you been? You escaped over six hours ago."
Captain_Keeta | 15-08-2015 21:56
Q: what's brown and sticky?
A: a stick
A: a stick
saina | 28-08-2015 16:29
A man goes for ice fishing. He drills a hole in the ice and hears a booming voice, "There's no fish in there!"
He begins to drill another hole and again hears the voice, "Stop drilling, there's no fish there!"
He drills a third hole and the voice sounds again, "You aren't going to find any fish there!"
The fisherman, frightened, asks, "Is this God?"
The booming voice yells back, "No! I'm the rink manager!"
He begins to drill another hole and again hears the voice, "Stop drilling, there's no fish there!"
He drills a third hole and the voice sounds again, "You aren't going to find any fish there!"
The fisherman, frightened, asks, "Is this God?"
The booming voice yells back, "No! I'm the rink manager!"
Captain_Keeta | 28-08-2015 16:32
Haha! That was a good one!
cindylee65 | 30-08-2015 05:41
Good one!
saina | 30-08-2015 17:24
HR: This is your revised salary. Keep it confidential.
Employee: Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it.
Employee: Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it.
saina | 31-08-2015 16:32
Husband sat in his room throwing darts at his wife's photo but not even a single one hit the Target.
From another room wife asks the husband : "What are u doing?"
Husband : "MISSING YOU"
From another room wife asks the husband : "What are u doing?"
Husband : "MISSING YOU"
Captain_Keeta | 31-08-2015 16:46
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
saina | 04-10-2015 13:54
First they found ice on Mars, then water, now we only need to find alcohol there to prove that men are from Mars!
saina | 11-10-2015 16:40
Word Play
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom a three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an s-hole.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:
1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom a three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an s-hole.
CaptainStabbin | 15-10-2015 02:49
This is one I heard years ago and recently found the text:
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about
ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this
day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods.
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah,"
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome.
I can see why you went to bed with him." The
husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to
the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call
room service and get some food,"
"Tiger wouldn't do that,"
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband
puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes
over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going
to get room service to get some food,"
"Tiger wouldn't do that,"
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes
love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par
for this damn hole...."
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about
ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this
day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods.
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah,"
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome.
I can see why you went to bed with him." The
husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to
the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call
room service and get some food,"
"Tiger wouldn't do that,"
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband
puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes
over to the phone.
"What are you doing?" She asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going
to get room service to get some food,"
"Tiger wouldn't do that,"
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes
love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he's tired and beat He drags himself
over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par
for this damn hole...."
gjest
Les mer:
i'll start with...
Did you hear my hamster died, he fell asleep at the wheel.
(anyone can do better than that)