How Are You Doing? Jr.

I'm lonely Meg, I think in the same way as you. I feel like I don't have a right to feel unhappy as I have a good life - a nice job, uni, great friends, blah blah blah. But I miss physical contact and I don't mean sex...just, I dunno, hugging I guess. It feels pretty pathetic to be desperate for someone to hug you... I kinda just want someone I can care about who thinks I'm special It seems like the longer I spend 'alone' the less confidence I have and the more plagued I am by self doubt..meh.

pft, i'm sad, cause my pc's gotta be taken in for repair, so i wont be able to get on for a few days. sucks.

Well, Ally, that makes the four of us, really!
we should start our own lonely-wives-club or something...heh...

not too good. everything around me is breaking apart. the speakers, cd set, i cant play any games on the computer (it will shut down by itself if i do) reason why i am here most times..ugh .. i want to get them fix but i am running low on my budget. 2 weeks more before my savings completely vanished. i need to get new assignments but i blew the interview this morning.. i woke up late! and not turning up for an interview that is fixed by your prof. who believe in u is another story altogether. i have to think of a reason better than "i overslept sir.."
i do not wish to believe that i am screwed but i am. no cash no job with valentines coming all my friends is bragging about their dates and i am thinking of the bills i had to pay and if i should stay home sleeping or spend my time here. lol. it is all good.....eventually....i pray

aw Lina heh thanks. Everyone thinks I don't care about words spoken towards me or something.. but I appreciate it =)

we should talk sometime.

rockon
tabitha

*deep breath and big smile*

Ally, you hit on something. There is no reason to feel guilty for feeling lonely, but maybe amidst our lonliness we can also celebrate what we do have "going" for us. (i.e. good student, good friends, that sort of thing.) I think we can simultaneously be happy and not so much, so this isn't to say that we shouldn't have an evening of lamenting being alone, but maybe the day after, we need to concentrate on what we DO have.

I know it's made my day a whole lot better so far .

I think I gave up on myself lol.

I hate the way I look like, but i don't do anything about it. at first I said that that's because I have no money, I don't, but I know that's not the only reason. and it's not cuz I don't think I have potential, I think I can look pretty good if I really put hard work into myself. I just.. gave up. I don't wanna try, it's like, what's the point? not bad thoughts like it's not gonna help and I'm still gonna be miserable and such, I just.. don't care.. anymore. I don't care to be nasty and yucky.

I gave up on finding love. not in a bad way, seriously, I'm ok with it cuz I understand why I won't. for some reason I can still see crystal clear in my mind how I maintain to have a relationship with a guy and sometimes even think that I CAN find a guy today, have a relationship with him that lasts for 3 years, and then marry him when I'm 24, like I planned as a child.. though now 24 seems nearer than ever lol.. and then we can have this sweet story of how I married my first boyfriend whom I met just when I thought there's no chance for me to find love. I don't know why I feel so certain about it, but then I stop, and smile, and think for myself "please. who's gonna date YOU? you already came to the conclusion you're undatable." it's really not a pitty thing, really! I'm ok with that! I know why logically nobody should want to be with me, I can live with that.
but it's sad cuz.. when a guy on the internet looks at my pic and says "you're pretty" and he wants to talk with me just because of that, I block him right on the begining. I feel like I "can't provide the merchandise". before I would give him a chance, and then another chance, cuz maybe, just maybe, he's Mr. right, my Gilbert. but now, he can just say I'm pretty and his ass meets my boot. you might think I'm crazy, why would I lose a guy just cuz he says I'm good looking? everybody needs an ego boost. well it's true, but I need that ego boost mostly about my personality, and not just about my looks. don't get me wrong, while I'm feeling so ugly I need a guy to tell my I'm pretty, but I need him to do that after he meets me, and gets to know me.. and likes the WHOLE package. then I'll believe him. I need to believe him. but I also need him to like my personality, now, when I feel so gross. most people can't handle with me, I'm too mixed up, I'm all over the place, I can be tactless, or too shy, I can be girlish and silly, or too strict and serious, I know a lot about theoretical information- but nothing about real life. people get tired of me soon. I guess I can understand that, I'm pretty tired of me too. maybe asking for someone who WOULDN'T is too big a request. I don't know what I want.. in general. things come to me as whims, caprices, I want something for a limited time, and if I don't get it, I can settle for something else.
right now I do want a boyfriend, but more importantly, I want friends. real ones. people I can say EVERYTHING too. right now I feel there's no one in my life who qualifies for that. maybe my brother. but i don't want my brother to be my best friend, and it's not fair, cuz if I have people in my life who i call friends, then they should WANT to hear me out, they should CARE. it's like I have to fit myself into a speciffic model of which my friends are approving, and when I start being different it's like "noooo Neta, don't go there, if you want us to keep being your friends". people just want me to be fun. they don't get I'm MORE than just one angle.

but there are some good things about me too. shocking huh? lol. lately I found out about myself that I am more restrained and have managed to somewhat have control of my temper. lately it seems like people are trying to be mean to me on purpose, to "get me", to start a fight with me. regulary I'd be like "excuse me?! who the hell do you think you are??" and start outbursting on them, but now I take a deep breat and just smile, and say pleasently that I understand why they're upset and I'm sorry about it, but I ask them not to take it out on me. in my mind I just call it "being the bigger person". when I feel like yelling I tell myself, "no, Neta, be the bigger person here. don't let them get to you. they don't worth it". I'm surprised of myself that I manage to do it. two occasions have happened to me recently on this forum. I'm not saying I'm ok with the things those people have said, but.. maybe it's because of my recent "non caring" state of mind. I don't care about it enough to let it take me out of my peace. but I'm alone. i can't help but realizing that people are doing that cuz they don't like me. and that's not a nice realization.

Hmm..I think it's pretty clear from my post that I was in a bit of a woeful hole yesterday, but I stand by what I said.

For me it's a weird situation, it's not that I have trouble meeting guys, which drives me mad. I go out to bars and clubs alot, I WORK in a bar for gods sake, I'm fairly presentable and I get my fair share of interest, but I'm pretty sure those guys just want to get their leg over and don't want the same thing as me. Infact I'm totally sure. I must be a crazily boring person if guys my age just want to f*** me and leave, sorry to be crude. Oh well.

On the plus side, I seem to be losing a fair bit of weight at the moment without even trying

now I'm happy

Im feeling a bit grumpy. Just got a lot of stress, what with my coursework deadline coming nearer and nearer... but apart from my head exploding from stress im ok.

Got this weekend off which is GREAT and im going to see little britain tomorrow at the apollo so yay. Good stuff.
But still, im just a bit grumpy.

Lonely at friday nite

I'm freezing my ass off and I just saw the Varsity half of the team I have to play tomorrow. I'm all scared now, because they won 5-0.

On the other hand, this 5A-4A shit is complete and utter BOLLOCKS.

Ok. Schools in Texas are grouped by the population of the school, which determines which teams the athletes play against. My school WAS 5A, because it was over 1,985 students. This means that we were playing against some of the best schools in San Antonio. Meaning that all four soccer teams and the baseball team and basketball team and track team, etc., were all doing really good. The only team that was not doing good was football, and all they did was whine about how Judson and Mac and Churchill were all too hard for them to beat, instead of not being P***ies about it and working on being a better team.

My school was only in 5A because they were counting the two magnet schools attached to it as part of the population. THis year they decided not to count one of the magnet schools (not the one I'm in, thank God...), which put us below the limit for a 5A school. Thus, we are 4A, and going to be playing against much easier teams and not being challenged AT ALL.

This pisses me off BEYOND BELIEF.

Instead of working harder and becoming BETTER PLAYERS, the football morons whined until people lowered the bar for them. My soccer team and the boys' soccer team have worked our ASSES off so that we would be able to play with the best teams in town, and for WHAT?

NOTHING, that's what.

And that's the problem with American education. instead of bringing everyone up to the highest level, we ignore the people who WANT to succeed in order to try and make people who don't want to get an education, get an education.

IT'S NOT WORKING.

I am acing all my classes, I am bored to TEARS with high school, and I WANT TO GET OUT.

But you know what really sucks? I CAN'T, because the registrar LOST my forking application for an early graduation.

*seething rage*

"we ignore the people who WANT to succeed in order to try and make people who don't want to get an education, get an education. "

Sounds like your college system. A rough equivalent of 16k upwards a year to go to college? Hard working working class people out, whiny spoilt upper middle class layabouts in.

Exactly. THe university I want to try and get into (Cornell) is 30K a year.

Here tuition is £1,125 a year and the government will loan you the money which you dont have to pay back until you are earning over 15k a year. Not perfect but at least we can all get to uni if we want to I guess.

^ infinity.

That is IT, I am moving to britain.

Lol, most of Europe is like that dearest, you could move somewhere hotter and cooler than here. Even though London is pretty damn cool in my biased and loving eyes.

Meh. I don't really care, as long as it's not HERE.

I'm doing good, it's one of those times where there's endless good music on the radio right now.... I wish I knew more people here.

I'm alright. Somethings slightly off & bugging me yet I can't quite put my finger on out. Oh well it's obviously not the end of the world though.

I got paid today which is good & bad. I've been wanting to shop like crazy lately ... to say the least

I'd really love that Tabitha. And now I'm going to blame the timezones for everything

Many happy things have occurred today.

Well, not MANY. We lost the soccer game, 5-0.

But my brother got a new guinea pig. He's pure white with black eyebrows and we've named him Groucho, and he's the sweetest thing EVER. *cuddles with the pig*

And yeah, I bought a Virgen de Guadalupe prayer candle today, on a recommendation from one of my (Catholic) friends. I've grown up with Catholicism and I'm inclined to believe more in it than in Protestantism. I don't know why, but it's just...more comfortable.

Today was great
I had tennis this morning which went great. I go every week with my sister.! now that we are somewhat older we dont fight as much. and i like spending time with her. she's great.
I had a piano masterclass later in the afternoon which was amazinggg. The man doing it is a musical genious, and im in love with him. (well...you know) he amazes me. i was very honoured to have worked with him for half an hour on my piece. Plus he is a load of fun. : ) .. did i mention on top of all this he is really hot for an older guy? (older being in his early 30's?)
anyways then tonight i went to a hockey game with one of my friends. They lost though. but there was a sweeeeeet fight near the very end, which made me happy. Got a bite to eat... then came home.
here's the only shitty part of my day. my dad hates it when i leave the computer on when im out. he is a bastard like that. so every time he shuts it down on me ON PURPOUS. he knows how much it pisses me off. i know its not THAT big of a deal.. but when it's HIM doing things to agitate me.... blah. we never get along . ever. so it was like paradise when he went away for 2 weeks. anyways now he is back. and i wasnt even in the door 5 seconds before i was super pissed at him . gotta love family.

anyways though, im in a good mood right now talking to some friends... i may give the guy in my life a call .. and i know that will make me happier beyond belief but he is in the states and is probably out with friends so i might not pester him untill tomorrow : ) oh my .. even the thought of him can put me in a good mood
so right now i shall conclude i am in quite the loveeeeely mood.

I am upset 'cause it's raining on my first sunday off in aaaaaaages and so i dunno what to do with my day 'cause it's a sunday so everything is all ... slow... and... blah.
I wanted to go to dovestones to feed the ducks and have a romantic walk around with the boyfriend but now it's raining he probably wont wanna do it.
And there's nothing on at the cinema... maybe the crappy looking zathura (coughjumanjiremakecough) so BLAH x lots.
It feels like my lovely day off is gonna be wasted *sniffles*

Still happy about Little Britain though. It was so so so so good i didnt think it would be very good but it was BETTER THAN I EVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. Seriously matt and david are geniuses. I luff them david even got butt naked! lmao it was the funniest show ever. Better than the tv series.

Go away rain, i want a happy sunday

Today wasn't good.
I am convinced my ex/still my crush would only help me with problems if he liked me. Since he got over me it seems like he's running away if I sound like I might bring something upsetful/important to me up.

So, I am slightly angered and have decided to forget about him forever and ever although I know i will cry for him soon. Maybe tonight even.

At home things are getting worse. We have NO money, literally. My Dad sent some draft about sending money... I don't understand how it works but to get money from Hong Kong to Spain in a big amount a draft is involved because we can't do a bank transaction because we're behind with the mortgage. Anyway, this was the 6th time he has sent it. This will be the 6th time it doesn't arrive. The garage said they can't keep the car for us anymore so they will sell it.

The rental we have to use because we live in the middle of nowhere because land is less expensive in the middle of nowhere is costing us buckets. Literally the scraps of our income. I need those scraps so my school fees can be paid off. The debt is higher than like half a years income. Plus I have to pay my exams tomorrow and on Tuesday, otherwise I either pay a late enty of double the price or get held back a year. Money was put into some account after my mother sent this to father:

Sorry you're nackered but I have to pay for Alex's exams early next
week
>- so you had better make sure that there are funds in my Mastercard to
>cover the cost.
>
>Certainly will talk tomorrow - and there had better be some good news.
>
>Usual delaying tactics on getting a photocopy of the draft I see - well
>I just hope it turns up in Frank's office without anymore stupid
excuses
>- otherwise Alex will be out of school. If that's the case I shall
have
>to take her to England to finish her education - and she will probably
>have to repeat a year to catch up differences in the way the syllabus
is
>taught. SO get it sorted out and get it sorted out fast.

She was emailed back with:

Thanks for the usual burst of flack


I acutally asked if the money was in (I hadn't told her I had read that) and she said "don't worry, you'll get the money even if I have to use the England account"

I asked why she had said she'd move me to England (I never want to go there until I absolutely have to at university) She said she just wanted to get my dad moving. I've heard that one before. I even predicted correctly that she would say that.

She said if it came to it she would sell her old house in England to support us in Spain, but she then said that because my dad's 15 years older he would die before her and he has left nothing to support her so she neede that house for later. So she wouldn't sell her house to support us, right

I then asked her why doesn't she divorce my Dad and she asked why would she want to do that. I said you're both always angry at eachother. She went on about the draft and how it's a mater of trust.
"That doesn't answer my question"
"Well how would you feel in my position? It's a matter of trust"

Anyway, the cycle starts again and I promise myself I don't care about my ex, and I will concentrate on what I want and need. I want to go back to not eating because I feel more at ease like that. I want to pursue the scars on my arms because it makes mesomething more than an average person. I want to keep remembering stupid Ramón and his disgusting smell and all the places he touched me because I haven't learnt to blame myself for letting it go on. I want to get back on eating too many vitamin pills so that i have too much iron and I don't feel hungry. I want to keep drinking so much water that one day I'll overhydrate and wake up sick, or just not wake up for days. I don't want to die yet. I want to see if I can kickstart things to get better. From at your worse how can things get worse? There's only up from then on.

I hear all these things as bad for me, but I'm not good for me without it. I hate seeing people thinner than me, with more scars than me, poorer than me, struggling more than me. I don't know why I am so selfish and ungrateful, but I'm never punished enough for myself if that makes sense.

I run away too, from everything. I imagine that my dad hits my mum (he doesn't) or that I get hit, anything to justify running away. I want to live away from everyone I get close to because it's too close, and for some reason it scares me. I want to live at peace and when I see myself on my own, I don't have scars and I'm not desperatly trying to feel everyrib under my skin and I'm not throwing pills back, I'm not drinking water til my head hurts, and I'm not wishing to see Ramón to know what he was doing, or what I did to start the whole incident. I'm happy there far away from where I am now.

Now I'm so stuck. I eat celery, and my mum asks if I'm starting another fad-diet again. I have "cat-scratches" down my arm in a perfect cross and I'm suddenly cutting myself. I'm missing from my room, and she thinks I've run away. I'm in bed before her and I'm apparently crying because I'm upset. She has me figured out, except I have never run away yet, but I would never admit to the truth, not to her.

I look forward to monday because it's easiest to not eat at school. I hate throwing up excess food, it always smells like spagetti. And it stings, and I cry. I've been looking at those laxatives in my cupboard but I know they make no difference to how much you eat. Unless there's some iron supplements in there which would havethe same effect of those vitamins. My mind is a mess And my eyes are hurting. if anyone reads this they're eyes are going to be hurting; I don't write this much for an english essay even. Ahhh, English. I haven't done my English homework, or my art. I don't really care right now. It looks like I'm going to be thrown out of school anyway, regardless of my A grades or not.

Sorry for the verticle stretch, buhbye