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The Greatest Jokes
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| read 394 reaction(s) |
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@ 18-02-2003 20:43 ice_white_tiger | 
14,498 posts
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Right, the title says it all.
Just post a joke that you think other people will find funny.
- Try not to have too many 1-liners, but have a few
- Dont have the pathetic stuff like 'Why did the chicken cross the road' unless it has a hilarious catch to it.
- Have some sotry kinda ones in there.
Right,
LETS GET READY TO JOKE!!! |
| Showing posts 76-100 of 394 | Page 4 of 16 |
| Discussion |
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 0  @ 28-05-2003 21:10 Dekar | 
36,123 posts
| Oh my God, Chiz. You're a hippy!? | | 0 @ 13-08-2003 06:05 Puddle_of_sugar | 3,690 posts
| ok longgg joke
so this penguin, his car breaks down and he goes to the garage and is like hey, u know whats wrong w/ my car? and the mechanic is like nope, give me an hour and then come back.
so the penguin goes off and spends a day on the beach, tanning, and stuff and comes back and is like whats up w/ my car/ and the mechanic is like hmmm give me another 1/2 hour and ill know.
so off goes the penguin and hes kinda hot so he gets an ice cream, and being a penguin and everything he cant hold it very well so hes go vanilla ice cream allll round his mouth.
anyways so he goes back to the garage and the mechanic says "looks like you've blown a seal mate"
lol giggle giggle.......whew, liked that one
ok brunette jokes.........i only know 2
why are blonde jokes so short? so brunettes can remember them
what does the brunette miss most about a party? the invitation...lol
k bye | | 0 @ 13-08-2003 12:52 Groovejet | 5,848 posts
| A Russian joke:
a wife asks her husband in the morning:
-Honey, I put 2 bottles of vodka in the fridge yesterday. Why is there just one now??
-Oh I'm sorry, I didn't notice the other one... | | 0 @ 13-08-2003 15:22 sarahjude | 16 posts
| There's these three nuns at the gates of heaven. God says to them 'To enter my kingdom you each have to answer a question first.'
To the first nun, who's only young he goes 'I'll give you aneasy one to start us off. Who was the first man?'
'Adam' she says.
'Well done. You may enter.
To the second one who's older and a better nun he goes 'Right, we'll make yours a bit harder. Who was the first woman?'
'Eve' she says.
'Well done you may enter.
To the last nun, who's the Mother Superior, he goes 'OK you get the most difficult one seeing as you the Mother Superior. What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?'
'My oh my, thats a hard one she said', all confused.
'Well done, sister. Welcome to heaven!'
Funny innit!!  | | 0 @ 13-08-2003 21:35 ice_white_tiger |
14,498 posts
| A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught and stuck in some railroad tracks.
He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND cussing!"
Still nothing.....and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, cussing, AND smoking!"
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!...
... He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself." | | 0 @ 13-08-2003 22:07 Lolly | 165 posts
| Did you hear about the magic tractor...
...it turned into a field!!
lol  | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 12:13 Groovejet | 5,848 posts
| I got this today.. funny! 
Sven & Ole from Sweden
Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a
brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked
"Lena gave it to me."
"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?" "Vell, let
me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on County Road 6,
in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da voods. She
parked, got out of da car, trew off all her clothes and said 'Ole take
vatever you vant.'
"So I took da car."
"Ole, you're a smart man! Dem clothes never voulda fit ya."
| | 0 @ 14-08-2003 12:42 ice_white_tiger |
14,498 posts
| lol - what a joke! | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 12:51 Darling15 | 8,440 posts
| yeah, so mine isnt really funny but i luv it anyway.... so if you know it dont interrupt (well u cant do that anyway can ya? boy, this is so fun, i can just ramble on 4ever and no one can stop me, wow, this is the life....)
okay, here goes---
three guys go fishing, (this is usually the point where my friends stop me. but u guys cant so hey, im still talking! ) and they catch a mermaid.
the mermaid says she'll grant each of em a wish if theyll later set her free.
so the first guy asks to be twice as smart as he was- so... POOF! this guys getting top grades in school and all.
second guy asks 2 b four times as smart as he was- so... POOF! (thats one of my favorite parts, the POOF!s) hes inventing stuff and definetly the next einstein.
guy #3 asks 2 b EIGHT times as smart as he was- so...POOF! she turns him into a woman.
my apologies 2 all da sweet guys out there but, cmon, get real, u know its true...
please dont kill me.  | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:04 ice_white_tiger |
14,498 posts
| dammit! i heard it before and i couldnt stop you...
how annoying is that?!
ah well, you're just gonna haveta listen to me... he...he...he...
you're joke just reminded me of this other joke:
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..." | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:08 Darling15 | 8,440 posts
| ahhh! and i knew urs icey.... | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:18 ice_white_tiger |
14,498 posts
| right, you do realise im now searching for a joke which im hoping to god youve never heard before? | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:23 djskribble989 | 7,912 posts
| Most of you probably know were i got this joke but some of you might not.
Why is Ally Mcbeal so skinny? She got some buffet time to make up. I tried to grab here ass and all there was is just knee, skin, and bones. She's so skinny that she tripped on the set the other day and they had to fax her to the hospital. | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:27 shadys_baby | 3,787 posts
| okay so there is this really stupid guy who is selling apples outside the grocery store. a person walks up to the stand and asks "how much are your apples?" the guy replies "i dunno" so the person walks away. the manager sees this and comes out of the store. "you idiot when they say 'how much are the apples' you have to say .25!" "okay" another person comes over to the stand. "how much are you apples?" 25 cents. "are they fresh?" "i dunno" the person walks away. the manager come back out of the store and says you are supposed to say 'yes yes, very fresh!'" "okay" so then another person comes up to the stand. "how much are these apples?" "25 cents" "are they fresh?" "yes yes, very fresh" "should i buy them?" "i dunno" again the person walks away. the manager comes out "this is the last time im gonna tell you or else your fired! if they ask if they should buy them say 'you better before anyone else does'" "okay" so then a robber walks up to the stand "gimme all your money!" "25 cents" "are you talking fresh with me?!" "yes yes, very fresh" "do you want me to shoot you?" "you better before anyone else does" | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:27 shadys_baby | 3,787 posts
| wow that was long. | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:30 djskribble989 | 7,912 posts
| Here's one
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
| | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:41 amz | 788 posts
| A mouse had just taken viagra and was running round the kitchen shouting "where's the f**king pussy now?!" 
** this post has been edited [for swearing](Moderator) 04/09/2003 ** | | 0 @ 14-08-2003 13:57 ice_white_tiger |
14,498 posts
| ok, i didnt know the last couple of jokes... | | 0 @ 15-08-2003 05:05 CatX3 | 2,296 posts
|
little johnny was sucking his thumb and his mother said to him... johnny stop that or you'll end up like him and the mother pointed to an overweight man. The next week while shopping for groceries a pregnant woman nervously asks Johnny why is he staring at her like that and Johnny said...
"....haha.. I know what you've been up to!"
that cracked me up...
k I have one more that my friend thinks is the best joke... but it's only funny cos of the way she tells it...
a duck walks into a bar and says to the barman
"hey mate... got any bread?"
and the barman replies
"nah sorry, we only got drinks and nibbles here."
so the duck says
"oh I see... well could I ask you for some bread then?"
confused the barman tells him
"mate I just said, we don't have any bread... i can't help you."
duck: "fair enough... but before you walk away have you got any bread behind there?"
barman: "bloody hell.. are you thick or something... we don't have bread!"
duck: "I know I know... I get it.... sir! you got any bread?"
barman: "look little ducky if you don't shut your beak and stop asking for bread I'm gonna bloody nail your head to this bar!"
duck: "you got any nails?"
barman: "no...why?"
duck: "got any bread?"
*) hope you liked 'em!!
luv catxx | | 0 @ 15-08-2003 13:04 Groovejet | 5,848 posts
| Here's one about Americans:
An English man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The English gent politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You English folk eat the whole bread?" The Gent frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course." The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to England." The American had a smirk on his face. The Gent listened in silence. The American persisted. "D'ya eat jam with the bread?" Sighing, the Gent replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In America, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to England." The English Gent then asked, "Do you have sex in America?" The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Gent leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" "We throw them away, of course." Now it was the Gents turn to smile. "We don't. In England, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America. Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?" | | 0 @ 20-09-2003 04:42 KrazyKelsey | 38 posts
| This is a long one but it's pretty funny 
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost." | | 0 @ 20-09-2003 05:00 anoobis | 15,407 posts
| hehe, i've heard that one...
ok, a man goes to his doctor. he says, "doc, i've got a 25 incher down there. now, i know it's impressive, but all the ladies are scared to death when they see it. what can u do" the doctor tells him that there is supposedly a frog that lives in the local lake who, if u can get him to say "no", it will make your member shorter by 5 inches. so the man goes down to the lake, and thinks of a question that anybody would say no to. finally, he simply decides to ask every frog if it is a chihuaha. he makes sure no one's looking, because he feels like a total idiot, but begins asking every frog he sees if it's a chihuaha. finally, one of them answers, "no." he checks under his belt, and, sure enuff, he's only equipped to 20 inches. he asks it again, and it says "no, u idiot." he figures he'll ask it one more time, to be normal. but this time the frog replies, "how many times do i havta tell i? no, No, NO!" | | 0 @ 20-09-2003 19:05 Puddle_of_sugar | 3,690 posts
| lol i giggle
ok so this blonde thinks her bf is cheating on her. so she grabs her gun one night and goes over to his place. sure enough, there he is w/ another woman. "how could u do this to me?" she screams and puts the gun to her head.
"no honey, dont do it!" her bf shouts
"Shut up" she shouts, "you're next!"
lol i giggle once more | | 0 @ 20-09-2003 19:26 star_light | 3,206 posts
| A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he
starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman
in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard
enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can
stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who
keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community
and from reaching our full potential as a person.
Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination
against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name
of humour!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde
yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little fella
on your knee!" | | 0 @ 26-09-2003 14:55 ice_white_tiger |
14,498 posts
| had to put this one... |
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