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The Greatest Jokes
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| read 394 reaction(s) |
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@ 18-02-2003 20:43 ice_white_tiger | 
14,492 posts
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Right, the title says it all.
Just post a joke that you think other people will find funny.
- Try not to have too many 1-liners, but have a few
- Dont have the pathetic stuff like 'Why did the chicken cross the road' unless it has a hilarious catch to it.
- Have some sotry kinda ones in there.
Right,
LETS GET READY TO JOKE!!! |
| Showing posts 51-75 of 394 | Page 3 of 16 |
| Discussion |
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 0  @ 02-03-2003 05:53 cheech | 9,352 posts
| im talkining to myself i saw that one before but i dont remember where
peace
cheech | | 0 @ 02-03-2003 17:30 ice_white_tiger |
14,492 posts
| Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
| | 0 @ 02-03-2003 17:33 ice_white_tiger |
14,492 posts
| Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me."
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator..." | | 0 @ 02-03-2003 17:47 XxX | 4,994 posts
| So we're not allowed racist ones?!?! Where's the fun in that?!?! I have so many  Oh well.. | | 0 @ 02-03-2003 17:53 built2liv | 5,278 posts
| "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received
notice that you passed away.
May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your
circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
That's like 20 minutes from where I am right now, haha that's funny. | | 0 @ 02-03-2003 20:44 Dekar | 36,121 posts
| What's wrong with a racist joke? It's only a joke afterall. It's not serious. Lightne up, everyone! Here's a few to get us started. 
A Jewish kid goes to his dad and asks for 20 bucks. Dad replies, "10 bucks what do you want 5 bucks for?"
Why is there cotton on the top of Tylenol?
To remind black people that they picked cotton before they sold drugs.
How many Jews can you fit in a car?
2 in the front, 2 in the back, and about 6,000 in the ashtray.
What do you call a bouncer at a gay nightclub?
A flame-thrower.
A black guy and a Puerto Rican are in a car, who's driving?
The policeman.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans in Star Trek?
Because they ain't working in the future either.
What happens when you stick your hand into a bag of jellybeans?
The black one steals your Rolex | | 0 @ 02-03-2003 20:57 iluvraine | 1,620 posts
| 3 midgets are bored one day. The first one says, "I think I have the smallest hands, I'm gonna go to Guiness and see if I have the record."
The second one says,"I think I have the smallest feet, I'll go to Guiness too."
The third one says,"I think I have the smallest dick, so I'll go see if I actually do have the smallest dick. I'll come too."
The first one goes in and comes out with a big smile on his face. "You got it?"the others say.
"Yup, but there was a lot of competition."
The second one goes in, and with a huge grin on his face, it's obvious he has the record too.
The third one goes in, but comes out with a frown on his face.
"What happened? Did you get smallest dick or what?"
"No," he says, "But who the hell is WorkMonkey?!"
A man decides to go to a bar. After a couple hours, he's pretty freakin pissed. Then this huge butch chick walks in. She's uuggly, beefy, and has VERY, VERY, VERY hairy underarms. She walks into the middle of the bar, raises her arm and says," If any guy in here is a real man, they'll buy me a drink!" The extremely drunk guy slurs,"Isshh on mee.." The butch girl finishes her drink, then does this a couple times again. The drunk guy keeps buying her drinks. So, the bartender whispers to him, "Why are you buying this chick drinks??"
"Any ballerina who can lift her leg that high, I'm buying a drink for."
| | 0 @ 02-03-2003 21:04 iluvraine | 1,620 posts
| Here's another one-
Three guys, a Canadian, an American, and a Newfie(Newfoundlander) all applied for a job at this place. The employer told them they had to take a test to be able to work there, so they did. Strangely enough, they all passed(even the American...weird I know)so the employer had no choice but to put them through another test. He took them to a place with three doors. Behind door number one, you had to drink a whole 24 pack and be able to walk in a straight line to doors number two. Door number two, you had to remove a loose tooth from a rabid rottie and still be alive and able to go to door number three. Lastly, door number three had a TOTALLY inexperienced woman and you had to give her her first orgasm. Anyways, the American went first. He came out of door number one all dead drunk and everything, so he was out. The Canadian went in, drank the whole 24 and came out sober enough. After being in number two for a long time, he came out near death and scratches all over his face. He was obviously out. Finally, it was the Newfie's turn. He came out of door number one pretty sober, then he went into door number two. After like five minutes of loud screaming and barking, he came out without a scratch. Then,(here's the good part...heh heh)sounding pretty drunk, he said...
"Okay, where's the woman with the loose tooth?"
| | 0 @ 02-03-2003 21:06 iluvraine | 1,620 posts
| Aacchk! People, seriously don't mind the American crack. It's off my website, I wrote that before I became an anti-rascist. Americans are...cool. | | 0 @ 03-03-2003 19:02 ice_white_tiger |
14,492 posts
| I'm sorry, Jez, but racist jokes r funny! I don't mean that in a bad way, but even if ur not racist u laugh a little.
So, (regarding Jez's request), I hereby
ALLOW RACIST JOKES UNTIL EXTREME DEMAND OF PREVENTION
(in english - Racist jokes are allowed until alot of people say they dont like it)
XxX, give us every racist joke in ur head... | | 0 @ 03-03-2003 20:15 Dekar | 36,121 posts
| Here's an idea, how about we just call them jokes instead of "racist" jokes? The point of it being called a joke is that it's not our serious opinion. | | 0 @ 03-03-2003 20:15 Dekar | 36,121 posts
| Unless it's satire, of course. lol But none of my jokes are satirical. | | 0 @ 03-03-2003 20:33 ice_white_tiger |
14,492 posts
| Hey - where did u get that smiley from? | | 0 @ 04-03-2003 00:08 Jones | 378 posts
| Sorry, this is extremely racist...
How do you help a Jew out of a trash bin?
Piece by piece
How do you keep a hippie from drowning?
You take your bloody foot of his head!
I know some others but I can't think of them right now. | | 0 @ 08-03-2003 04:57 littlechicky | 330 posts
| I just made this up but here goes...
Little Timmy 2toes was sitting in his chair at school. He was bored. His arch riv, Penny was was next to him.
Penny:I love sports yada, yada, yada
Timmy  in very annoyed tone)You know what, Penny, I enjoy playin SOCK-HER! He punches Penny in stomach.
LOLOLOLOL  | | 0 @ 23-03-2003 20:42 Miriam19351 | 68 posts
| ha...haha...ha.
(ne1 whos read FS's autobiog should get that) | | 0 @ 21-05-2003 20:47 da_muffin_of_jo | 67 posts
| this isnt very funi but i think it can be if you think really hard about it
two men are in a cave (lets say bill and bob)
bill says to bob "its dark in her in't it"
and bob says "i dont know i cant see!"
that made me laugh when i was sad 
hope it made you smile! 
 da muffin enit | | 0 @ 21-05-2003 21:30 vandy | 
9,518 posts
| clean joke!
a strip of bacon, a pancake, and a waffle walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve breakfast here!"
tee hee | | 0 @ 22-05-2003 18:22 ice_white_tiger |
14,492 posts
| A man walks into a bar next to an extremely hot girl and immediately looks at his watch.
She says, ''Is your date late or something''
He says, ''No I just got this magic watch''.
"What does your watch do that is so amazing?" asked the lady.
"It tells me what is happening."
"What does it say now asked the lady."
"It says you're not wearing panties."
"Well your watch is wrong, I do have panties on."
"Sorry, my watch is one hour fast."
| | 0 @ 22-05-2003 18:30 ice_white_tiger |
14,492 posts
| Two guys are hitting the links at their local golf and country club. Luckily, it's a beautiful day, and there's hardly anyone on the course, so they've been breezing through the holes. Up around the seventh tee, they spot the first people on the course other than themselves, two ladies who, from the guys' perspective, are having trouble on the green. In fact, they've each five-putted it!
The first guy says ''Christ. I hope they just had a bad hole, I don't want to follow these broads for the next eleven holes!'' The second one goes, ''Well, maybe I'll go talk to them, and maybe they can let us pass them. I'll be back in a sec.''
So he trots off, about to go and ask to let them pass. Suddenly, about a hundred feet away from the women, he stops, turns and runs away from them as fast as he can. When he comes back, he exclaims, ''Jesus! That's my wife and my girlfriend! They're both here! Golfing together! I'm sorry, man, but I can't say anything to them. I'm liable to be killed if they saw me. How about you go ask them?''
So the other guy concurs, and trots off to ask the women if they can pass and get on with their game. Then he stops suddenly, spins around and runs back to his buddy in the same manner. ''What's wrong? What's the matter?'' his friend says. ''Same damn thing,'' he replies.
| | 0 @ 26-05-2003 19:54 Iluvdolphins | 94 posts
| If ya don't get it, too bad. It's a blonde joke, so all you blondies out there please don't be mad at me because I'm a blond too.
A blond, brunette, and red head are applying for jobs as FBI agents. They all make it to their final test. They're all at a big steel door, when a man walks up to the red head and says, " your husband is in there sitting on a chair. we want you to kill him". The red head is handed a HUGE gun. She replys"sorry, but I can't kill my husband". She and her husband leave.
The brunette is told the same thing and handed the same gun. She walks in, but after a few minutes she comes out crying and says,"sorry but I just can't kill him". She and her husband leave.
The blond is told the same thing and handed the same gun. She enters the room. After five minutes, banging is heard and then screams. The blond comes out and says" you didn't tell me the gun was unloaded so I had to beat him to death with the chair".
Did ya get it!? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
| | 0 @ 26-05-2003 20:02 thechiz7 | 2,889 posts
| ok racist jokes might just be funny to you but they are offensive to others, including me....so will you please not say anymore...they just reinforce negative stereotypes and i am included in a group you are saying jokes about and i really dont appreciate it they are simply not funny | | 0 @ 26-05-2003 20:13 Iluvdolphins | 94 posts
| sorry chiz7  | | 0 @ 28-05-2003 20:29 linzee | 94 posts
| The Chicken and The Egg are lying in bed. The Chicken is very happy and is smoking a ciggarett while The Egg is pissed and mumbles to herself..
"I guess we answered That Question"
| | 0 @ 28-05-2003 21:08 Dekar | 36,121 posts
| Way to describe a picture we've all seen on the internet. |
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