Humor | The Greatest Jokes

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The Greatest Jokes


18-02-2003 20:43 ice_white_tiger
14,780 posts	Right, the title says it all. Just post a joke that you think other people will find funny. - Try not to have too many 1-liners, but have a few - Dont have the pathetic stuff like 'Why did the chicken cross the road' unless it has a hilarious catch to it. - Have some sotry kinda ones in there. Right, LETS GET READY TO JOKE!!!

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19-02-2003 17:51 Jez
12,759 posts	Hey ice. I have nothing against you or any of these jokes... I'm sure I've heard a lot of them before anyway... you expect it when you do the kind of stuff I do I guess. All I am saying is that we're better off not even going there as there's a distinct possibility that potential comments on this thread may separate forummers more than ever before as race, gender, sexuality etc are big big issues. Anyway be good and keep the faith.
19-02-2003 18:23 ice_white_tiger
14,780 posts	ahhh... ok.
20-02-2003 13:13 gimo
620 posts	Ok hear are three jokes they are pritty stupid What is grean and has weals? Grass im kidding about the weals? Bert and Ernie are walking sown the street and Bert says to Ernie "Want to get some icecreem?" And Ernie says "Sure Bert" The famus skier Piciboo Street is also a nurse. When she was working in ICU they had to tell her to stop answering th ephone becuse she confused the people by saying. Piciboo ICU?
20-02-2003 14:18 Hotlips
27 posts	A Man walks into a bar ..........oww.. I think i deserve a blue peter badge 4 that ! sorry im crap at doin jokes. Hotlips xxxxxx
20-02-2003 14:23 Hotlips
27 posts	Sorri Singinsweetie u already had that one. Id like 2 tel the joke but its about a black postman an id be offending myself cos im halfcast. oh well .......... Hotlips xxxxxx
21-02-2003 00:33 littlechicky
330 posts	Well, I just made this up tell me your opinnion. So this girl applys for a college and waits and waits for a reply. suddenly the phone rings. Perky girl she is, she runs to the phone and squeals. It is of course on of the collage proffesers and he tells her she didn't get in. She crys "Why" " Well Ma'Am we checked your resemee and we've spotted a case of 'blonde'! Like it? It's kinda dumb but i like it!
21-02-2003 00:34 Puddle_of_sugar
3,690 posts	i have one gumby just emailed to me...she'll probably be pissed i stole her joke lol but oh well One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river. " Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times. Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river. " Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...and the intelligence... to cross this river." And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS WISDOM COMES TO WOMEN AT THE COST OF MINIMUM TWO HUMAN LIVES. GENERALLY MALES BUT SOMETIMES GENDER EVEN DOESN'T MATTER. ok heres another one...its kinda dumb though..like the kinda joke my dad would tell lol: A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it. Then the mate orders, "Come starboard." Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor. The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circum- stance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?" and this one is not a blonde joke lol.. A fellow took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre- views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied. ok thats all for now ~emz
21-02-2003 00:42 Ilovemarkmiser4
2,309 posts	Ok here's one I found on the net; Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut! Ok and Mark made these up after 2 hours of sleep: What do a bike and an orange have in common? They both have wheels except for the orange! What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor? Ok admit, Mark's were so dumb you laughed!
21-02-2003 00:45 Ilovemarkmiser4
2,309 posts	The following joke may or may not be considered racists. Sorry if you think it is: I'm not racist! I own a color TV! Ok sorry. Really I'm not racist. One of my good friends is black and I love him to death.
21-02-2003 02:21 Dekar
36,178 posts	Hah hah hah hah hah! That was a good one, Rach. 3 men are about to enter the gates of Heaven. God: Men, what car you get in Heaven will depend on how faithful you were to your wives on Earth. Man 1: Please God, I can't count how many times I cheated on my wife. There were just too many beautiful women on Earth, and I had to have them all. God: I am ashamed of you, my man, For that, I give you a run-down truck that barely moves. Man 2: Dear God, please forgive me! I cheated on my wife once, just once! We were going through problems and I took the wrong turn. Please forgive me! God: My man, I am ashmed of you too. But I will be kinder to you. For that, I give you a convertible BMW. Man 3: Dear God, you will be so proud of me. I loved and worshipped my wife. I brought her roses everyday after work, I brought her gifts every anniversary, and we went travelling, and had dinner out 3 times a week, and... God: Okay, my man, enough! I get the point. I am very proud of you! For that, I give you any car you desire! Two weeks later Man 1 and 2 are driving on the freeway when they see Man 3 ahead of them, stopped in the middle of the road in his Black Jaguar and crying like a baby. Man 1 and 2: Hey man! Why are you sitting in your car and crying your eyes out? You're acting like some ungrateful bugger! Look at your car, man! What is your problem?! Man 3: "I just saw my wife on rollerskates!"
21-02-2003 02:32 Ilovemarkmiser4
2,309 posts	Speaking of heaven: Three men died and went to heaven. When they got there St. Peter greeted them at the gate. He said, "The only rule here is that you can't step on the ducks. If you do, you will be chained to a hideous woman for all eternity." The men figured this would be easy. Once they stepped inside the gates, they realized there were ducks everywhere. Instantly, the first man stepped on a duck. He was chained to a three hundred pound woman. The next day, the second guy stepped on a duck and was chained to the ugliest woman in heaven. After a week, the third man found himself chained to the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He said, "What did I do to get chained to you for all eternity?" She answered, "I don't know about you but I stepped on a duck." Ok three blondes died and went to heaven. To enter, they had to tell St. Peter the true meaning of Easter or go to hell. The first blonde said, "Easter is when the family gets together around a pine tree and opens presents." She went to hell. The second blonde said," Easter is when the family all gets together to eat a turkey and give thanks." She too went to hell. The third blonde said,"Easter was when Christ died on the cross to forgive us of our sins. He was buried and on the third day he rose again... but saw his shadow and went back to his tomb.
21-02-2003 02:48 cheech
9,352 posts	hey ilmm are you sure mark wasnt high when he mad them up he he that reminds me of this one time.... she wants to know am i still a slut cheech
21-02-2003 02:53 Ilovemarkmiser4
2,309 posts	yeah it sounds like he was high but he was at a Christian camp so I doubt it
21-02-2003 02:55 cheech
9,352 posts	just asking cuz i know people ok me too that would make up the stupides things while we were high and tell the stupides fking stories but oh well im gonna stop now she wants to know am i still a slut cheech this post has been edited [for swearing](Moderator) 04/09/2003 **
21-02-2003 17:06 Kasper
1,977 posts	Where do you find a no-legged dog? Wherever you left it.
27-02-2003 19:44 Miriam19351
68 posts	A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are on the roof of a burning building, ten storeys high. Firemen are gathered down below, trying to work out how to get them down. They decide to have the women jump onto a big sheet, so they shout this up to the three on the roof. The brunette jumps from the roof. wheeeee! The firemen pull away the sheet. whsh splat (that was the brunette hitting the pavement, by the way) The firemen shout up to the other two to jump. "No way!" shouts the redhead. "We saw what you did to the other girl!" "No, we just don't like brunettes!" shout back the firemen. "We like redheads, though." So the redhead jumps. wheeeee! whsh splat They shout up to the blonde to jump. "Nuh-uh! I'm not jumping, you'll just pull the sheet away!" "No, we like blondes better than brunettes or redheads! We won't pull the sheet away! Jump!" "No!" The blonde then thinks for a second, then: "Okay, I have an idea. I don't trust you with that sheet, so I want you to put it down flat on the ground, and back away..." lol!
28-02-2003 18:49 ice_white_tiger
14,780 posts	Here's a few blonde jokes... 1 A blonde was in the kitchen trying to put together a puzzle. She was getting really frustrated and decided to get her boyfriend out of work and back home to help. "It's supposed to be a chicken!" Cried the blonde "Honey," said her boyrfriend "Stop being stupid and put the Corn Flakes back in the box..." 2 A brunette and a blonde were doing 90mph on the highway, doing a getaway. "Are there any cops behind us?" the brunette at the wheel asked. "Errr... actaully, there is." "Damn!" shouted the brunette. "Are there flashers on?" The blonde replied. "Yup... nope... yep... no... yep............" 3 A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one. "Meow," says the redhead. "It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack. "Woof," says the brunette. "Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack. "Potatoes," says the blonde. 4 A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.'' She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?'' 5 A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.'' The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK."
28-02-2003 18:52 PINK_FAIRY
2,530 posts	ok i've got one the elephant said to the camel 'hey how come u got 2 breasts on ur back?' the camel said 'pfft thats a silly question comin from some1 hu has a dick on their head!'
28-02-2003 19:49 Crazy_Joe
3,878 posts	Two guys are standing on a cliff, obviously crocked. The first says, "The wind seems pretty strong up here. I bet if I jumped off, it would catch me and blow me back up here." "You're on," the other guy says. So the first guy steps to the edge and jumps off. To the other's astonishment, the guy curves back up to the top of the cliff. "Ok, my turn" he says, and jumps. He falls screaming to his death. Two men see him fall and look back up at the man on the cliff. One turns to the other and says, "Superman can be a real asshole when he's drunk."
28-02-2003 19:56 vix
119 posts	this is an email i got... its not really a joke EVER WONDER... .....why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? .....why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? .....why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? .....why "abbreviated" is such a long word? .....why doctors call what they do "practice"? .....why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? .....why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons? .....why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? .....why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? .....who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? .....why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? .....why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? .....why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ? .....why sheep don't shrink when it rains? .....why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? .....if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? .....why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe? AND... In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
28-02-2003 20:06 cheech
9,352 posts	i know im sad but anyway the lemon jucie thing is cuz lemons have acid in them peace cheech
02-03-2003 05:33 cheech
9,352 posts	ok so they arent really jokes but so what cuz ther aint nothin you can do about it mwa Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff," --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president," --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents. "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it," --A congressional candidate in Texas. "I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne "Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle " It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another" --George W. Bush, US President "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" --Lee Iacocca "I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," --Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony. "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &sports analyst. "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." --Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor. "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton, President "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al Gore, VP "Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina "If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman peace cheech
02-03-2003 05:44 Ilovemarkmiser4
2,309 posts	Britney Spears once said: "I get to go to a lot of overseas places, like Canada." In case you've been living under a rock, Britney Spears is an American born pop singer.
02-03-2003 05:45 cheech
9,352 posts	ummm were did that come from peace cheech
02-03-2003 05:48 Ilovemarkmiser4
2,309 posts	where did what come from