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The Greatest Jokes

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@ 18-02-2003 20:43 ice_white_tiger
14,479 posts	Right, the title says it all. Just post a joke that you think other people will find funny. - Try not to have too many 1-liners, but have a few - Dont have the pathetic stuff like 'Why did the chicken cross the road' unless it has a hilarious catch to it. - Have some sotry kinda ones in there. Right, LETS GET READY TO JOKE!!!

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Discussion
0 @ 08-04-2005 20:01 jamesey
11,431 posts	no no no, go to my joke thread, much better
0 @ 08-04-2005 20:18 lotsofhorses
87 posts	ooooooooooooook then
0 @ 08-04-2005 20:25 jamesey
11,431 posts	this one is alot older but mine has more jokes in it and is used more other than that, use this one, hehe
0 @ 08-04-2005 20:31 BabyGirl135
64 posts	here's a dumb one, but one of my personal favorties!!! Why did the elephant paint its toenails red? so it could hide in the cherry tree... have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree... see, it works! Another dumb favorite... What does the fish say when it hits the wall? "dam"
0 @ 10-04-2005 23:37 dreyck4pm
25 posts	ok I got 2 jokes for you! One is for older girls they might laugh and the other one is a jack-o jocke enjoy! 1. Q.O.k. there is a christian, santa and a perfect man in an elevator there is a ten dollar bill on the floor who picks it up? A. the christian because the other 2 are from fariy tales! 2.ok so michel jackson, george bush and a bunch of kids are on a plane that is crashing there are only 2 parachutes left george bush tells michel "you take a parachute and i will take a parchute." then michel says "what about the kids" George bush says "screw the kids!" so michel says " do we have time?"
0 @ 19-04-2005 00:49 DallasTexas
44 posts	Ok, here's a funny thing I got from a book. I was sad 'cause I had no shoes, but then I met a man that had no feat, so I took his shoes and said "I guess you won't be needing these anymore!!!!!" I was laughing at this one for a while!!!!
0 @ 16-05-2005 18:48 kerplunk010
21 posts	im lovin da micheal jackson one lol
0 @ 09-07-2005 04:23 podjo
494 posts	the blonde pop-tart adventure:A blonde teen is walking to school eating a pop-tart.She crosses the steet when a boy,without looking both ways,runs across the street and knocks the pop-tart out of the blondes hand!Then a car ran over over the pop-tart!The blonde walks into the middle of the road,gets the pop-tart,and takes a bite the says,"Yummy, muffler deluxe!". ROFL LOL
0 @ 09-07-2005 04:41 2_B_LOA
639 posts	^ is it ok to not think that was funny?
0 @ 27-07-2005 07:47 BlackRia
2,639 posts	Too Funny... All these jokes
0 @ 21-08-2005 11:47 ice_white_tiger
14,479 posts	bumpy dumpty sat on the wall I've gotta revive this thread - Jamesy's got too many posts in his! lol SWEET TASTE In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is as much glucose in a man's semen as there is in sugar? "That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?" After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class and never returned. However, as she was going through door, the professor's reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of the tongue and not in the back of the throat."
0 @ 21-08-2005 11:49 Chrisrocks53
13,570 posts	What Do You Call A Prostitute with A Runny Nose? Full
0 @ 26-08-2005 23:15 monkeyJ
262 posts	Q. what kind of car does luke skywalker drive A. a toy yoda
0 @ 15-09-2005 22:25 zapepi
2 posts	A little girl goes to a pet shop and says to the sailsman there:"I wanna buy a bunny!" "Great!",replays the sailsman. "Wich do you prefer - the one with the brown ears or the white fuzzy one?" "Well, it doesn't matter for my anaconda, i think..." Nasty, huh?
0 @ 15-09-2005 22:34 xMajinx
13,401 posts	Why does the Mexican Olympic team suck? cause anyone that can run, jump, or swim is already over in the US
0 @ 15-09-2005 23:39 FireWaterBurn
28,885 posts	What do you call a blonde with pigtails? A blowjob with handlebars.
0 @ 16-09-2005 07:13 shrushti
2,369 posts	A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet. The little boy says, "It's dark in here." The man whispers, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together. Boy - "It's dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?" Boy - "$750." Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says "$1,000." The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "It's dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!"
0 @ 16-09-2005 11:35 x_whatsername_x
155 posts	Ok this is a blonde joke, so sorry to all the blondes out there..oh and by the way this isnt making fun of gay guys ok? So this gay guy goes completely mental, so these two girls from the mental hospital come to get him. They are just about to put him in a straight jacket when the blonde pauses n says 'we can't put this jacket on him' n the brunette goes 'why not?' n the blonde goes 'coz its a straight jacket' the brunette is now confused 'so?' she asks. the blonde repies 'you cant but a straight jacket on a gay guy!! how dumb are you?!' i made it up, tell me what u think.
0 @ 16-09-2005 11:39 x_whatsername_x
155 posts	* offtopic : replies**
0 @ 26-09-2005 13:13 Dagor
33,442 posts	HARD WORKING??????? From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bull$hiT and A$$ kissing that will put you over the top .
0 @ 19-10-2005 11:55 shrushti
2,369 posts	this one is real funny..... I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?" She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to press 9." lolzzzz
0 @ 22-10-2005 17:50 guitarfreak1254
534 posts	I got one its pretty funny There is this boy and his grandpa and the grandpa is drinking a beer and the boy asks if he can have some and the grandpa asks "can ur dick touch your ass?' and the boy says "no" so and the grandpa says 'then you can't have some" then the next day the boy sees the grandpa smoking a cigarette and the boy asks "can i have smoke some of that?" and the grandpa asks "can ur dick touch ur ass?" and the boy says "no" and the grandpa says 'then u cant smoke it." the next day the grandpa sees the boy eating a ice cream and the grandpa asks "can i have some of that ice cream?" and the boy "asks can ur dick touch ur ass?" and he says "yeah" and the boy says "then go fuck yourself"
0 @ 14-11-2005 18:19 preciosa10
90 posts	Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and compare stories on how they died: 1st women: I froze to death 2nd women: How horrible 1st women: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peacefull death. What about you? 2nd women: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I found him all by himself in the den watching T.V. 1st women: So what happened? 2nd women: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house lookin. I ran up the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died. 1st women: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-- we'd both still be alive.
0 @ 27-11-2005 21:02 luiboy
41 posts	Types of people you might find in the men's room. EXCITABLE: Short half twisted around. Cannot find hole. Rips shorts. SOCIABLE: Join friends in CR whhether he has to or not. CROSS-EYED: Looks into the urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used. Pisses in sink. CLEVER: No hands (pissing without using his hands), fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on the floor. WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down, and across urinals, tries to hit bugs or flies. ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants. CHILDISH: Pisses directly on bottom of the urinal. Likes to see it bubble. SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed. PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time while waiting, reads with free hand. DESPARATE: Waits until he has to crap, then does both. FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at the urinal. Pisses on shoe. LITTLE: Stands on box, falls and drowns. DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants. DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away. CONCIETED: Hold two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
0 @ 03-12-2005 02:14 50_Centz_Gurl_
128 posts	One day a little girl named Kaya walked in to the kitchen where hear Mum was stuffing a kitchen "F*" yelled her mother. "Mummy mummy what does f* mean?" she asked "Umm..stuffing the kitchen darling stuffing the chicken"she replied. She walked into her mum and dads room where her dad was sitting on his bed reading her mothers diary. "S*" he yelled. "Daddy daddy what does s* mena?" she asked. "Umm...reading my girl, reading by yourself." Then Kaya heard the doorbell she answered it. It was here nana and granddad. "Wheres ur mother and father Kaya?" they asked. "WEll mummys in the kitchen F*ing the chciken and daddys in his room S*ing himself!!" Kaya seemed so please unlike her grandparents.