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The Greatest Jokes
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| read 394 reaction(s) |
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@ 18-02-2003 20:43 ice_white_tiger | 
14,492 posts
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Right, the title says it all.
Just post a joke that you think other people will find funny.
- Try not to have too many 1-liners, but have a few
- Dont have the pathetic stuff like 'Why did the chicken cross the road' unless it has a hilarious catch to it.
- Have some sotry kinda ones in there.
Right,
LETS GET READY TO JOKE!!! |
| Showing posts 326-350 of 394 | Page 14 of 16 |
| Discussion |
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 0  @ 08-01-2005 22:31 black_eyed_peas | 291 posts
| I don't know any good jokes... let's just
say i take after my dad's side of humor.
[which is absolutely, HORRIBLE!!]
 a | | 0 @ 08-01-2005 22:31 black_eyed_peas | 291 posts
| geeze lewise | | 0 @ 08-01-2005 22:31 black_eyed_peas | 291 posts
| This is how good his jokes are:
 | | 0 @ 09-01-2005 17:47 x0x_Vicky_x4x | 145 posts
| Hahaha, all of those jokes are great!   | | 0 @ 09-01-2005 17:52 ickle_jitta | 316 posts
| A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo-of handcuffs. | | 0 @ 24-01-2005 17:13 fishmunky | 
20,412 posts
| Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the gives frank the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.
It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass." | | 0 @ 27-01-2005 01:37 daveywonder | 295 posts
| Q: what does michael jackson like about 28 year olds?
A: There are 20 of them. | | 0 @ 27-01-2005 01:51 power4110 | 117 posts
| haha michael jackson jokes never get old | | 0 @ 28-01-2005 05:40 Puddle_of_sugar | 3,690 posts
| how many add kids does it take to screw in a light bulb?
wanna ride bikes? | | 0 @ 28-01-2005 05:45 Puddle_of_sugar | 3,690 posts
| *ADD (not like addition lol, lik attention defecite disorder) i cant spell lol | | 0 @ 29-01-2005 13:38 NeZBiT | 308 posts
| After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor and his doctor tries a few things but nothing seems to work. Finally the doctor says to him, "The reason that you can not perform is all in your mind!!!" So the Doctor refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the psychiatrist confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." so he refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over and I do not want an erection any longer?" The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. After he gets into bed and he is lying next to her he says, "123" and suddenly he gets an erection just as the witch doctor said. His wife was facing the other way and turns over and says, "What did you say "123" for?" | | 0 @ 29-01-2005 13:57 NeZBiT | 308 posts
| Aight I heard this on the radio so its not perfect but here goes: (Anti-Bush)
President Bush is visiting a primary school and its Q&A time. LIttle Johnny puts up his hand and says
"Mr. Bush I have 3 Questions. Why did you marry Mrs. Bush?, Why are we at war with Iraq?, and why are you President when Al Gore got more votes than you?"
Just then the recess bell rang and the children went out to play. 20 minutes later they came back and it was time for more Q&A. Now Little Billy puts up his hand and says,
"Mr. Bush I have 5 Questions. Why did you marry Mrs. Bush?, Why are we at war with Iraq?, Why are you President when Al Gore got more votes than you?, Why did we go to recess half an hour early?, and what happened to Little Johnny? | | 0 @ 30-01-2005 13:50 NeZBiT | 308 posts
| Walking through the woods a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?" "I'm listening to the music of the tree." "You gotta be kiddin me." "No ,would you like to give it a try?" "Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against the tree With this the other guy slaps a set of hand cuffs on him, takes his wallet jewelry, car keys, then strips him ass naked and leaves. Two hours later another nature lover strolls by, sees this guy hand cuffed to the tree, stark ass naked and asked, "What the hell happened to you?" He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there, but while he was doing so the guy shakes his head in sympathy walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says. "This just ain't your day." | | 0 @ 30-01-2005 13:53 victorine | 3,099 posts
| | | 0 @ 18-02-2005 07:10 fishmunky |
20,412 posts
| Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
| | 0 @ 18-02-2005 08:07 dark_knight86 | 4,992 posts
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a couple of years ago i was drivin home for christmas and was on a big four lane highway and was goin in excess of 80 mph
so i got pulled over
cop walks up to the window and asks for my drivers license
i said im sorry officer i aint got one, it got suspended after my fifth dwi
then he asks for my registration
i said well it might be in the glove box under the gun i used to kill the lady i stole the car off and shes dead in the trunk
man he freaked out and called all sorts of backup and within minutes i was surrounded with guns pointed at me
another officer walks up and asks for my license i said sure and handed it to him
he takes it back to his car and runs it and its all valid
he comes back and asks for my registration
so i tell him its in the glove box
he gets in the passenger door and gets it out
plates match and the car was mine
then he asks to have a look in the trunk
i said sure and handed him the key
he goes back and looks and finds nothing
comes back and asked why the other officer told him that i didnt have a license, stole the car, had a concealed weapon and a dead body
i answered i suposse that lying son of a bitch told you i was speeding too
| | 0 @ 18-02-2005 14:20 snoopywoodstock | 509 posts
| saw this in a book and thought it was kind funny...
Heard about the dyslexic devil worshiper...
He sold his soul to Santa!
no offense to anybody, it was just funny when I read it! | | 0 @ 28-02-2005 10:33 shrushti | 2,369 posts
| A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed.
'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked.
'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over.
The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
'Go and get help!' he cried.
'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'
'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'
The proprietor looked at the shoe and FAINTED.......!!!!!!!!!! | | 0 @ 28-02-2005 12:07 FatJo | 3,029 posts
| This is from my page. I thought it was hilarious:
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. while tying the girl to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, Honey. I love you"
To which the wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong Honey, I love you too!!"
| | 0 @ 21-03-2005 19:57 ForsakenHeart | 3,002 posts
| I just read this...and found it funny..
Best Break Up Letter Ever
A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear
John" Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, Becky
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but! I can't quite remember who you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back
to me.
Take Care, Ricky | | 0 @ 05-04-2005 22:15 wiseass | 1,414 posts
| Annoying things to do at school
organize a bunch of people in one class to emit a low humming noise, keeping straight faces.
organize a whole bunch of people to fall off their chairs at the same time.
organize a whole bunch of people to drop their pencils/pens at a preset time.
superglue quarters to the floor, count how many people try to pick them up.
write fake love notes and slip them into people's lockers
if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.
lay a paper towel roll on the floor at the top of the steps and give it a kick, making sure you've taped the loose end to the floor already.
place chalk inside the erasers so the teachers end up putting big 'ol lines across the blackboard.
when you use the bathroom, get a LOT of soap on your hands (If it's the slimy kind), but don't wash it off, just leave goo all over doorknobs, railings, etc.
screaming gibberish in crowded hallways is always good for a laugh.
leave a Snickers bar in the toilet.
ask people to hold your hand when going down the stairs
Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.
Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.
Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.
Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.
Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.
Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.
Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.
Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.
End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.
Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.
If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?
If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.
Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.
Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera- style, and hand that in.
Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-|/??!]}.
Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.
On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.
Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.
Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.
Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.
Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.
Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.
Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".
Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.
Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action."
Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.
Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.
Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.
TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..
Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.
Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)
Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.
Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.
Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.
When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.
When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.
Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.
Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.
Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.
Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.
Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.
Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.
| | 0 @ 06-04-2005 10:39 shrushti | 2,369 posts
| lol wiseass have u tried ne of those? | | 0 @ 08-04-2005 09:33 coburd | 31 posts
| Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor
You do the math.(That's not the answer but I'm sure you can work it out, or can you?) | | 0 @ 08-04-2005 19:57 lotsofhorses | 88 posts
| That last one sucked.....
Whats black, white and goes OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO | | 0 @ 08-04-2005 20:00 lotsofhorses | 88 posts
| A COW WITH NO LIPS |
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