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The Greatest Jokes
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| read 394 reaction(s) |
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@ 18-02-2003 20:43 ice_white_tiger | 
14,494 posts
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Right, the title says it all.
Just post a joke that you think other people will find funny.
- Try not to have too many 1-liners, but have a few
- Dont have the pathetic stuff like 'Why did the chicken cross the road' unless it has a hilarious catch to it.
- Have some sotry kinda ones in there.
Right,
LETS GET READY TO JOKE!!! |
| Showing posts 301-325 of 394 | Page 13 of 16 |
| Discussion |
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 0  @ 21-11-2004 01:52 imbehindu | 72 posts
| how do i need a history lesson?? that flag says that minorities are an inferior race to white...i would imagine that would offend a lot of people....just a thought | | 0 @ 21-11-2004 02:00 riplpc420 | 33 posts
| How many people with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a light bulb? | | 0 @ 21-11-2004 19:10 Jcboy790 | 408 posts
| That Flag means nothing like that, don't go around callin people idiots untill you know what your talkin about! | | 0 @ 21-11-2004 19:18 Jcboy790 | 408 posts
| If what you think about the flag is true (which its not) that would mean that the American flag whould mean that Americans would be above everybody else in the world. It doesn't stand for that does it buddy, in foact the Civil war didn't even start because of that, it started because of the southern people not being represented as well as the northerners and we got mad about it then over time people insinuated slavery was in with it all. | | 0 @ 21-11-2004 19:19 danastasia | 19,286 posts
| What's yellow and smells like green paint?
Yellow paint!
What do you call cheese that's not yours?
Not-your cheese! (Say it out loud.) | | 0 @ 29-11-2004 23:48 daisydani | 336 posts
| BLONDE JOKES [I'm blonde & still think they're funny]
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans
down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms
of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as
she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says,
"Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said,
"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.
I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
One blonde asked another: "Which is further, Ireland or the moon?"
The other replied:"HELLOOOOO, can you see Ireland from here???
A plane is on its way from London to New York when a blonde in Economy
Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The
flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she
will have to go and sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm
beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and
co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and
she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde
replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I' m
staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he
probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to
a blonde, and I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in
her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves
back to her seat in the economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said
to make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to New York.
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his
bag, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you".
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the
light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you".
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest upon a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep, the parrot
confessed," I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses", replied the bird.
"Moses", the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a
parrot Moses?" "Probably the same kind of people that would name a
Rottweiler Jesus", the bird answered.
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BAKING QUESTION
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue.. and then you add eggs and sugar... and you get cake?
Where did the glue go?
You know darned well where it went!
That's what makes the cake... Stick to your BUTT!!!
------------------------------------------------------ | | 0 @ 05-12-2004 18:14 0cool | 71 posts
| Four men were on top of a mountain a black man, white man, asian and mexican man. The mexican man says ''This is for my people'' and jumps off. The asian man says ''This is for my people'' and jumps off. The black man says ''This is for my people'' and pushes the white man off the mountain. | | 0 @ 06-12-2004 08:35 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
|  | | 0 @ 08-12-2004 08:19 whettogurl | 1,858 posts
| A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony." | | 0 @ 08-12-2004 11:11 foolishpeeps | 7 posts
| Wot do u say after making love to a man with a 2" penis??
Thanx for the tip
Second joke removed
== Post edited by moderator == | | 0 @ 12-12-2004 03:01 eminems_babe | 32 posts
| sum simpsons quotes
"English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England"
Trying is the first step towards failure
It is better to watch things then to do them.
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It?s what separates us from the animals ? except the weasel
I don't apologize. I am sorry, that's the way I am.
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.
To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don't have to do squat.
Don't worry. I'm sure he's up in heaven right now laughing it up with all the other celebrities : John Dilinger, Ty Cobb, Joseph Stalin.
Here's to alcohol : The cause of ... and answer to all of life's problems.
I hope I didn't brain my damage.
If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth doing.
I'm in a place where I don't know where I am!
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
Oh look at me !!! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from happy land, with a gumdrop house on lollipop lane! Oh by the way ... I was being sarcastic.
Relax. What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind!
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ
There's no such thing as a soul. It's just something they made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
Aren't we forgeting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!
They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.
I hope this has taught you kids a lesson: kids never learn.
u liiike?
| | 0 @ 12-12-2004 04:57 tigerlilly_169 | 3,630 posts
| Little Johnny
* offtopic :
why is it always johnny?
was curious about God so he went to his mom for some answers.
"Mommy is God black or white?"
"He is both black and white"
"Mommy is God a man or a woman?"
"He is both a man and a woman."
"Mommy is God straight or gay?"
"He is both straight and gay."
"Mommy....is God Micheal Jackson?" | | 0 @ 21-12-2004 02:53 daisydani | 336 posts
| a senior group bus driver was picking up the old ladies at the mall one day. As they started arriving, and each got on the bus, they gave him bags of plain almonds. So he's eating them, and about after the fifth, he askes "why do you buy them, if you're not going to eat them?" and one lady replies "we only like them for the chocolate"
haha ewwwww. | | 0 @ 21-12-2004 02:56 xMajinx | 13,401 posts
| violence isn't the answer...just a great alternative | | 0 @ 02-01-2005 15:59 HvyMtlnRcklover | 27 posts
| well, its not exactly the greatest but it made me laugh..and no offence to Australians, British, and Americans...so here it is!:
Once there were three friends, one an Aussie, one British and one American..they all had dogs, so one day they decided to have a contest to see whos dog could stay the longest w/out crapping...so the british walked his dog for about an hour, but after that he took a dump..so then the american went and he walked his dog TWO hours before his dog pood (or is that pooed?) anyways, then the australian went, and he walked his dog for one hour, two hours, three hours...they ended up staying there for the whole day, and the american and the british got tired of waiting and they were quited interested in knowing how the dog did it..so they asked him how his dog cud stay that long without crapping (which was the only way to go home..) and the Aussie said
"Me no stupid, me no dumb, me stick cork up doggy's bum!" 
HAHAHA i love that joke......haha  | | 0 @ 02-01-2005 16:00 HvyMtlnRcklover | 27 posts
| wait..i dont understand daisydani's joke....cud someone explain it to me? | | 0 @ 05-01-2005 11:52 shrushti | 2,369 posts
| This one is really kool!
A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are your celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!
How did your chickens become fertile?" she sked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
| | 0 @ 05-01-2005 13:03 danastasia | 19,286 posts
| I had a Ploughman's Lunch the other day.
He wasn't happy. | | 0 @ 05-01-2005 23:22 SweetB45 | 82 posts
| What do Bill Clinton and the taco bell chihuahua have in common?
Yo quiero gorditas. | | 0 @ 05-01-2005 23:29 SweetB45 | 82 posts
| Alex sets up his friend Bob to go on a blind date with his cousin.
Bob is a little worries about going out with someone he's never seen before. " What do I do if she's ugly?" says Bob, " I'll be with her all night."
" Don't worry," Alex says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake a heart attack."
That night Bob knocks on the girl's door. When she comes out he is awe-struck at how hot she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly grabs for her chest and lets out a loud " Aaaaaauuuggghhh!" | | 0 @ 05-01-2005 23:31 SweetB45 | 82 posts
| A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus are playing poker, who wins?
The stupid blonde because the other two don't exist. | | 0 @ 05-01-2005 23:40 SweetB45 | 82 posts
| There was a young girl who loved to wear dresses everyday to school.
One day a boy asked her to climb the flag pole for a box of cookies.
She climbed the flag pole and all the boys in the schoolyard could clearly see her underpants.
When she got home she bragged to her mother that she got a box of cookies for climbing a flag pole. The mother knew that the kids just wanted to see her underpants so she told the girl not to climb the pole again.
Of course the little girl didn't believe her mom and the next day the boy asked her to climb the pole for a box of candy. She did and they all saw her underpants and laughed.
When she went home she told her mother the news. Her mother was angry. She told the girl she shouldn't climb the pole. She told her," They just want to see your underpants and if you climb the pole again you're grounded!"
The next day the same boy asked her to climb the pole for more goodies, so up the pole she went.
When she came home, she told her mother what she got for climbing th epole and her mother went ape. " I told you they only wanted to see your underpants!" she raged.
"But mommy," the little girl answered, "this time I was smart enough not to wear any." | | 0 @ 05-01-2005 23:44 SweetB45 | 82 posts
| Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of doing them in front of the class. The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer his fears would be to just go ahead and do it. So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.....
" ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
" Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?"
" It's running down my leg." | | 0 @ 08-01-2005 11:55 69_247 | 47 posts
| here's a good song
roll roll roll a joint lick it at hte end
take a puff
that's enough
pass it to a friend
anybody wants to bitch about what i say let um | | 0 @ 08-01-2005 12:25 sugar_kiss | 81 posts
| k, this is an anti-bush joke so all u bush lovers out there, don't read.
Bush is doing his rounds at the elementary schools to show what a good guy he is. He walks into a third grade classroom and is told that they're doing vocabulary that day. So he writes the word "tragedy" on the board and turns to the class.
"OK," he says, "who can tell me what the word tragedy means?"
A little boy at the back of the room raises his hand and says, "If my friend was run over by a tractor on her farm and died, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an accident."
So a little girl puts her hand up and says "if a school bus carrying 50 children crashed and everyone was killed, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be a great loss."
By now, none of the children want to answer for fear of being wrong. "Come on," says Bush, "can't anyone tell me what a tragedy is?"
Finally, a little boy puts up his hand and says, "If an air force plane carrying President Bush was shot down overseas by friendly fire, that would be a tragedy."
"Yes!" says Bush, "that's what a tragedy is. How did you know that?"
"Well," says the little boy, "it sure wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident, either."
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