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The Greatest Jokes


18-02-2003 20:43 ice_white_tiger
14,780 posts	Right, the title says it all. Just post a joke that you think other people will find funny. - Try not to have too many 1-liners, but have a few - Dont have the pathetic stuff like 'Why did the chicken cross the road' unless it has a hilarious catch to it. - Have some sotry kinda ones in there. Right, LETS GET READY TO JOKE!!!

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18-02-2003 20:43 ice_white_tiger
14,780 posts	Man Falls Asleep At Church One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg." In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. "Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again. The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
18-02-2003 21:23 XxX
4,995 posts	Dammit...Mine are all racist jokes..!!!
18-02-2003 21:24 PINK_FAIRY
2,530 posts	ah say em neways!
18-02-2003 21:44 built2liv
5,278 posts	No don't. Do you understand how mad people will get!
18-02-2003 21:45 PINK_FAIRY
2,530 posts	oh are ther anti-racist ppl here?
18-02-2003 21:46 built2liv
5,278 posts	You know someone will get mad. And yes, racism is bad and it offends many people.
18-02-2003 21:54 XxX
4,995 posts	Ok just one....I'm not being racist.. What's the difference between a black person and a pot hole?? You swerve to avoid the pothole..
19-02-2003 00:03 built2liv
5,278 posts	That's soo being racist, if you think not, ur crazy!
19-02-2003 00:15 singingsweetie
8,389 posts	BEST JOKE OF ALL TIME RIGHT HERE......... A man walks into a bar..............OUCH! hahahahahhahhah cracks me up everytime other not as good as that one jokes A blonde is in a library and goes to the check out desk and says "Can I have a burger and fries" The librarian looks at her and says "Mam this is a library" and the blonde lowers her voice and says "oh sorry," whispers "can i have a burger and fries?" that's funnier when you actually here someone say it ok next A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Bostonian are all sitting in a bar. The Texan takes a shot of burboun then throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it and says "Where I'm from we have a lot of this". Next the New Yorker takes a shot of whiskey then throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it and says "Where I'm from we have a lot of this". Next the Bostonian takes a shot of rum then shoots the New Yorker and says "Where I'm from we have a lot of those and we don't waste liquor" lol i love that joke...............
19-02-2003 00:17 built2liv
5,278 posts	Hah that was good.
19-02-2003 00:39 MeSoHorny
168 posts	A skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer. And a mop. Little Johnny asks his mom, "Mom, is God a man or a woman?" His mother says God is both a man and a woman. little johnny asks mom is god white or black? his mother answers god is both white and black. little johnny asks mother is god straight or gay. his mother answers god is both straight and gay. little johnny says...Mom..? Is God Michael Jackson?
19-02-2003 00:41 singingsweetie
8,389 posts	that last one was great!!!! hahaahahahhaha tells it to friend
19-02-2003 01:05 Ilovemarkmiser4
2,309 posts	Ok so these are a few jokes about a potty mouthed little boy named Johnny: A teacher asked students in her class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Cindy said, "The fireworks were fascinating." Billy said, "The baseball game fascinated me." The teacher told them both that they had nice answers but she wanted "fascinate." Johnny was raising his hand but the teacher, knowing how foul mouthed Johnny was, was hesitant to call on him. She finally did and Johnny said, "My sister's sweater has ten buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fastenate" Ha ha! That one is so funny! Johnny's mother was inside doing dishes when Johnny ran inside yelling. "Mommy, Mommy, Buster just got hit by a car, right in the ass!" His mother said, "Johnny, I realize your dog is hurt but 'ass' is not a word I want you to use. I'd rather you say 'rectum.'" He told her, "Rectum? Hell, killed him!" Last one... Johnny was playing with his toy airplanes, pretending to be the pilot and was making announcements. His mother walked in and heard Johnny say, "Hey all you bastards on my plane! We've landed on the fcking runway so get the fck off my fcking plane!" Johnny's mother was appalled by such language and sent Johnny to his room for two hours. When he came out and was allowed to play again, his mother heard Johnny playing. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen. We hope you had a nice flight. We're about to land." Johnny's mother was glad he'd cleaned up his language. Then Johnny said, "Oh yeah, and if anyone's pssed off about the two hour delay, go see the bitch in the kitchen." Lol! That was a lot of typing! this post has been edited [for swearing](Moderator) 04/09/2003
19-02-2003 02:58 Stanley
13,928 posts	ok.... time for a good toothless hampster joke... so this guys dog just got ran over and hes in the pet store trying to get another dog. and then the salesman comes over and suggests this toothless hampster.... "why would i want a toothless hampster?" asked the man. "well, it gives the best blow jobs ever" said the salesman. so the guy trys it out and it really did give him the best blow job ever....so he buys it and brings it home with him. meanwhile his wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner. so the man puts it on the floor and it runs around and the mans wife says "what the hell is that?" so the man replies, "Nevermind what the fck it is, teach it how to cook and get the fck out!" this post has been edited [for swearing](Moderator) 04/09/2003
19-02-2003 03:53 cheech
9,352 posts	ok someone showed this to me so i thought i might as well put it up ok 60 this not to say to a naked guy 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that. 2. Ahh, it's cute. 3. Who circumcised you? 4. Why don't we just cuddle? 5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 6. It's more fun to look at. 7. Make it dance. 8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that. 9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 10. It looks like a night crawler. 11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger. 13. It's ok, we'll work around it. 14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh. 16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 17. Oh no, a flash headache. 18. (giggle and point) 19. Can I be honest with you? 20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 21. Let me go get my tweezers. 22. How sweet, you brought incense. 23. This explains your car. 24. You must be a growing boy. 25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow. 26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 27. Are you one of those pygmies? 28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 29. Every heard of clearasil? 30. All right, a treasure hunt! 31. I didn't know they came that small. 32. Why is God punishing you? 33. At least this won't take long. 34. I never saw one like that before. 35. What do you call this? 36. But it still works, right? 37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 38. It looks so unused. 39. Do you take steroids? 40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes? 43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident. 44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 45. Aww, it's hiding. 46. Are you cold? 47. If you get me real drunk first. 48. Is that an optical illusion? 49. What is that? 50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 51. Were you neutered? 52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents. 53. Does it come with an air pump? 54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality. 55. Where are the puppet strings? 56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 58. Never mind, why bother. 59. Is that a second belly button? 60. Where's the rest of it? im empty inside cheech
19-02-2003 04:25 MeSoHorny
168 posts	lol....Funny
19-02-2003 05:40 Dekar
36,178 posts	Two guys got caught stealing a calendar. They each got 6 months!
19-02-2003 05:45 MeSoHorny
168 posts	haha..... A stoner stumbles out of a party and runs into a guy that is all bloody. The guy says, "Call me an ambulance!" So the stoner looks at him and says," You're an ambulance!"
19-02-2003 05:47 MeSoHorny
168 posts	A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. "Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it. "Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere. "Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him. "It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts." Okay...That's enough for now.
19-02-2003 06:02 cheech
9,352 posts	ok i love stoner jokes so... A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left. The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home. He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left. The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no. . . sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?" Q: Why did the stoner cross the road? A: Who else would follow a chicken? Pot Poem When I die, bury me deep. Plant some reefer, at my feet. Place some papers, in my hand. I'll roll my way, to the promised land! There was this pot-head walking down a road when a genie appeared in front of him and said, "I'll grant you two wishes. What is your first wish?" asked the genie. The pot-head replied, "I want a never ending joint. The genie goes, "As you wish," and gave him the joint. The pot-head took a long drag and said, "Cool. I want another one!" ok im done for now im empty inside cheech
19-02-2003 06:09 cheech
9,352 posts	ok just for all you canadians out there... Top 10 Reasons to Live in Candian, B.C. 1. Weed 2. Vancouver: 2 million people and two bridges 3. The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder 4. The local wine doesn't taste like malt vinegar 5. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is 5 hours from downtown 6. A university with a nude beach 7. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations 8. If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash 9. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on 10. Cannabis Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag to a marijuana plant. That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag. im empty inisde cheech
19-02-2003 06:25 built2liv
5,278 posts	Three guys are in a doctor's office. One is a drunk, another's a smoker and the third's a gay guy. The doctor tells each of them that, if they induldge in their bad habit one more time, they will die. Outside they pass a bar. The drunk says, “I don't care if I die, I need a drink.” The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead. Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along. Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk. The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we're both dead.”
19-02-2003 16:43 ice_white_tiger
14,780 posts	I know its not exactly good, but all jokes are allowed. That means racist, blondes, and nationality jokes. As long as you say who it might offend first, then u can say it.
19-02-2003 17:27 Jez
12,759 posts	ice_white_tiger..... I don't think that's a good idea.... someone will be offended whatever happens..whcih will lead to complaints...which may lead to expulsion.... no go areas.
19-02-2003 17:46 ice_white_tiger
14,780 posts	oh... pretty please Jez. I'm not saying i have anything against black guys or anything, but it's just 4 pleasure. And if they say if its racist or sexist or whatever b4 hand, then people who get offended can simply not read it. Can we have the prejudice jokes, Jez? Pretty, pretty please?! after all, ive been ever so good

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Forum / Humor / The Greatest Jokes

The Greatest Jokes