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Jokes - have a good, shortish joke?, write it here!
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@ 20-06-2004 19:23 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| If you have a good, shortish joke, write it here
* offtopic :
(i know there could be others like this)
i'll start with...
did you hear my hamster died, he fell asleep at the wheel. (anyone can do better than that) |
| Showing posts 26-50 of 2,627 | Page 2 of 106 |
| Discussion |
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 0  @ 21-06-2004 08:57 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
|  | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 08:58 KingJeZter | 9,999 posts
| should I post a really long one? | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 08:58 andro | 
42,248 posts
| Go for it Lester!
 | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 08:59 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| as the starter of this thread i say ok, but only once | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:01 KingJeZter | 9,999 posts
| For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life! | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:02 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| bloody hell, that is a long joke | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:04 andro |
42,248 posts
| Oh... Dear... Gods...
*cracks up*
Good one Lester!
 | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:09 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:10 KingJeZter | 9,999 posts
| When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for man kind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs. Over the years many people questioned Mr. Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Mr. Armstrong always just smiled and would not answer.
Just last year, (On July 5, 1996) in Tampa, Florida while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 29 year old question to Mr. Armstrong again. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.... When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in his backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, the then young Neil Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky saying "Oral Sex! You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon! | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:11 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
|
i'm so glad i started a joke thread | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:14 KingJeZter | 9,999 posts
| A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11.When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12.The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13.The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God".
and finally...
14.Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:16 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:21 milady | 2,058 posts
| i've read about that in fhm lez, and that was hilarious! it still makes me laugh when i read it. | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:37 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| keep them coming ! | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:46 KingJeZter | 9,999 posts
| A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help. The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him.". The woman agrees to the plan.
So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks, "Who is our saviour?" then nods to Mrs Jones. She pokes her husband, and he wakes up and shouts, "Jesus Christ!".
The priest, pretending to be impressed, says, "Very good!".
A full three minutes later, Mr Jones is asleep again. The priest again notices, and asks, "What is the name of Jesus' father?" before nodding at Mrs Jones again.
She pokes her husband, who screams, "GOD!" at the top of his lungs.
The priest again congratulates Mr Jones on his alertness and continues with the sermon.
However, during the sermon, he begins nodding enthusiastically, which Mrs Jones mistakes for a poking signal.
The priest then says, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave him his 99th child?" the priest nods.
The mistaken Mrs Jones pokes her husband, and he shouts, "If you poke that f***ing thing into me one more time, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your arse!".
| | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:50 andro |
42,248 posts
| *rolling in the aisles*
| | 0 @ 21-06-2004 09:52 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| i'm loving that one, hahaha | | +2 @ 21-06-2004 10:01 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "What do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!" | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 10:06 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| this ones fairly long but good....
On a sunny summer afternoon, a truck driver and his pet parrot "Petey" are cruising cross country in their semi. Suddenly, the trucker spies a hot teenage girl along the roadside. He immediately pulls his truck to the side of the road. "Do you need a ride?" he asks. "Yeah" says the girl, climbing anxiously into the cab. As they're progressing down the highway, the trucker asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Hell no!" says the girl. "Well," says the truck driver as he pulls his truck to the side of the road, "No f**k, no ride." He abruptly kicks the girl out of his rig. A short while later, the driver spots another fine teenage girl along the roadside. Again he offers a ride, and again his offer is accepted graciously. After a while, the truck driver asks the girl if she'd like to get in the back and screw. "Not for my life!" says the girl. "Well," says the truckdriver, "No f**k, no ride." He pulls over and tells the girl to get out. Before long, the trucker spies a third teenage cutie along the roadside. He offers her a ride and she accepts. A few miles go by and the trucker decides to try his luck again. "Do you want to get in the back and screw?" he says. "Sure! Lets do it!" replies the girl. At this point, the trucker takes Petey and puts him in the trailer with his cargo. He then proceeds to make mad love to the minor in his cab. Upon finishing the deed, the girl says that she doesn't really need to go any farther. This is fine with the trucker, so he lets her out and continues down the road. Before long, he starts to get a really guilty conscience about what he did. "What if that girl reports me???" he thinks to himself. No sooner did that thought cross his mind when he noticed a police cruiser behind him with it's lights flashing and sirens blaring. "Oh great," the trucker thinks to himself, "maybe she did report me." "What's the problem officer?" says the truck driver to the policeman. "No problem really, other than the fact that you're losing your cargo out the back door... I just thought I'd let you know." "Oh s**t!" says the truck driver upon realizing that he forgot to bring Petey back up front. The trucker and the cop walk around to the back of the trailer, and sure enough, there's Petey... throwing the frozen chicken cargo out of the back while cawing "No f**k, no ride!"
Post edited for language by Chloya | | -1 @ 21-06-2004 10:11 andro |
42,248 posts
| Superman is feeling rather bored because his buddies Batman and Spiderman are off on a scuba diving trip. So he's flying around and suddenly something catches his eye.
It's Wonderwoman (naked and spread eagle) on the top of a tall building. Now, Superman's always had a bit of a thing for Wonderwoman so he thinks "Aha! Now's my chance!"
So he flies down (faster than a speeding bullet), does the business (more powerful than a locomotive) and then flies off again.
A few minutes later, Wonderwoman says "What on earth was that?"
Then the Invisible Man rolls off the top of her and says "I don't know but it HURT A LOT!"
Post edited by chloya: just changed a few spelling for ya Phil! | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 10:17 Elfwid | 2,093 posts
| An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!" | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 11:06 sroyals86 | 49 posts
| A man is trying to explain to his son the difference between reality and potentially so the man tells his song to go ask his mother is she would sleep with robert redford for a million bucks, to ask his sister if she would sleep with brad pitt for a million bucks and if his brother would sleep with tom cruise for a million bucks. Well the boy goes and asks his mother, she replies "Hell yea i wouldnt miss an opportunity like that!". He then goes to his sister and she replies "Hell yea i wouldnt miss and opportunity like that!". Then he goes to his brother and he replies "Hell yea i would do anything for a million bucks. The little boy goes back to his father and he asked his son what he learned. The little boy replies "Well potentially we could be millionaires, but in reality i live with two sluts and a fag!" | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 11:34 Coombes | 1,334 posts
| Q :what do you call a dog with no tongue ?
A: smelly balls ! | | 0 @ 21-06-2004 15:23 Dekar | 
36,123 posts
| Yo momma | | 0 @ 22-06-2004 09:29 soulgoneawol | 294 posts
| its long, and kinda sick, but i find it funny...
Little Johnny was 12 years-old and like other boys his age, rather curious he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining "things" to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything he saw to his mother:
Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.
Finally, I found what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen - I should tell her about the ones down at the lake.
Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.
Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel.
After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.
Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead!!! It jumped straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eel's are like cat's they have nine lives or something.
This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!!
His mother fainted. |
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