Humor | Jokes - have a good, shortish joke?, write it here!

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Jokes - have a good, shortish joke?, write it here!

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@ 20-06-2004 19:23 Elfwid
2,093 posts	If you have a good, shortish joke, write it here * offtopic : (i know there could be others like this) i'll start with... did you hear my hamster died, he fell asleep at the wheel. (anyone can do better than that)

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+3 @ 25-10-2007 23:39 JDolla
7,659 posts	A young boy went up to his father and asked him," Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that!" The boy went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? "The girl replied, "Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!" The boy went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course", the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?" The boy pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two skanks and a homo."
0 @ 28-10-2007 05:29 Rtoolhead
32 posts	Two men were having a chat over the bar table. A drunken guy continued, "I had a big house, a luxury car and a lot of women and then BAM!, they were all gone." Then he had a sip of the beer. His friend asked, "What happened?" He replied, "My wife found out."
-2 @ 03-11-2007 11:58 iron_ganteng
36 posts	A little boy walks into his pre-school class and he asks the teacher if he can go to the bathroom. The teacher says, " I will let you go if you recite your ABC`s" The boy says"ok" and he began. "ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXY and Z" The teacher asks him," What happened to the P?" The little boy replies"It's Running down my pants!"
+2 @ 03-11-2007 12:00 iron_ganteng
36 posts	A language teacher was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House" in French, is feminine -"la maison," "Pencil" in French, is masculine "le crayon." One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word was not in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that computer should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine "le computer") because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer you could have gotten a better model. i know its a long joke.. HAPPY READING ^.^
+1 @ 08-12-2007 01:36 TheAnnoyance
45,050 posts	How do you pull a fat chick? Piece a' cake! lololololol sorry.
-1 @ 08-12-2007 04:42 Samantha03
369 posts	what kind of dance do u o on a trampoline? Hiphop! HAHAH.
-3 @ 08-12-2007 11:14 enigma
330 posts	They lived long and happilly till they met each other.
+3 @ 18-12-2007 16:35 andro
42,248 posts	What do you get if you eat too many xmas decorations? Tinsel-itis
-1 @ 19-12-2007 16:07 Deadly_Rose
1,387 posts	Ways to Annoy Bathroom Friends 1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' 2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'' 3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise. 4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'' 5. ''Damn, this water is cold.'' 6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly. 7. ''Now how did that get there?'' 8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.'' 9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!'' 10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters'' 11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?" 12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!" 13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot'' 14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'' 15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall. 17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!'' 18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.'' Long, yes. Stupid, yes. Worth my time? Probably not.....
+1 @ 30-12-2007 21:12 andro
42,248 posts	How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler
-5 @ 04-01-2008 06:52 DrMuhammed
2 posts	man: can I have a f**? woman: no! man: pauses* what about lying down while I have one?
0 @ 08-01-2008 01:00 twirlergurl19
42 posts	A guy was selling toilets a rubber one a wooden one and a singing one. one day a guy comes and says "id like to buy a toilet" the salesman says "ok i have a rubber one a wooden one and a singing one." the guy says "ok ill take the rubber one" a few minutes later another guy comes up and says "hello id like to buy a toilet" the salesman says "ok i have a wooden one and a singing one" the guy says "ok ill take the wooden one'' a few minutes later another guy comes and says "hello id like to buy a toilet" the salesman says "ok i have a singing one" the guy says "ok ill take the singing one." then a few minutes later the first guy comes up and says "everytime i try to go to the bathroom i bounce up and down." then the second guy comes up and says "everytime i try to go to the bathroom i get splinters in my butt." then the third guy comes up and says "everytime i try to go to the bathroom the toilet sings: Do you see what I see??" I kno its long but i love this joke.
+2 @ 08-01-2008 21:09 TheAnnoyance
45,050 posts	What do you call a sheep tied to a building in Wales? A leisure center.
+2 @ 08-01-2008 22:20 FunkSoulBrother
72 posts	* offtopic : Somebody's been watching QI? I just saw that, genius It's a bit long.... Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
0 @ 08-01-2008 22:25 TheAnnoyance
45,050 posts	* offtopic : haha yup, on Dave
-1 @ 11-01-2008 21:40 twirlergurl19
42 posts	the joke i posted above is funnier when you say it cuz you sing the end part
+1 @ 12-01-2008 04:04 Baby_Jenks
118 posts	There's this guy with the last name of Zulu. Naturaly he's an african and the country he's in is really poor and povo. He figures the only way he can get out it to join the army and see the world. He signs up for the army but because his last name is Zulu he's last in line and because the country's so poor they can't give him a gun so they give him a stick. The first day of training they're doing target practice and he goes up to his commanding officer and goes "oi mate, what's the go? you've only given me a stick" The commanding officer replies with "Just point it at the target and say 'bangidy bang bang bang'" He raises his eyebrows but obeys, goes back to his position and lines up the targets saying ''bangidy bang bang bang' They judge him competent and let him go onto the next course. The next day they're doing bayonet training and once again they don't give a bayonet, so he goes up to his commanding officer "You guys didn't give me a bayonet. What am I ment to do?" "Just wave it at the target and say 'stabbidy stab stab'" He raises his eyebrow but goes back to his position and crawls through the undergrowth bayonetting the targets that spring up saying 'stabidy stab stab'. They judge him competent and he graduates and becomes part of the army. Before too long his country get the smart idea of invading another country so they send him off to war. He's sitting in the back of this hovercraft about to land on the beach and they still haven't given him a proper gun. He's still got his stick! He lands on the beach and figures what the heck, seeing an enemy running towards him, he lines him up with his stick and says 'bangidy bang bang bang' The guy falls down dead!! Zulu looks at his stick going WTF! As he's staring at this stick he doesn't notice someone creeping up behind him untili almost too late. He quickly turns around, waves his stick about and says 'stabidy stab stab' The guy falls down dead!! Hell yeah! zulu pokes his head out and lines up another enemy 'bangidy bang bang bang' and another 'bangidy bang bang bang' and another'bangidy bang bang bang' He's basically winning the war singlehandidly. He sees on lad walking towards him so he lines him up. 'bangidy bang bang bang'. The guy keeps on coming 'bangidy bang bang bang''bangidy bang bang bang''bangidy bang bang bang'. He keeps on coming. Zulu reloads his stick 'bangidy bang bang bang''bangidy bang bang bang''bangidy bang bang bang''bangidy bang bang bang' The guy keeps on coming. Screw this he thinks and runs forward screaming 'stabidy stab stab' The guy keeps walking and Zulus pushed backwards and downwards by this overwhelming force and he dies just as the enemy walks over him saying 'tankity tank tank' * offtopic : sorry it's a long one but I love this joke, expecially when you're drunk and you really get into it and act it out
-2 @ 13-01-2008 05:34 TheAnnoyance
45,050 posts	Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie? Because it was rated RRR!! lolololol
0 @ 13-01-2008 18:58 WH1
290 posts	A Christian Puppy A Baptist couple decide that they want to get a dog. As they are walking down the street in town, they notice that a sign in the pet shop is advertising "Christian Puppies." Their interest piqued, they go inside. "How do you know they're Christian puppies?" "Watch," says the owner, as he takes one of the dogs and says, "Fetch the Bible." The dog runs over to the desk, and grabs the Bible in its mouth and returns. Putting the Bible on the floor, the owner says, "Find Psalm 23." The dog flips pages with its paw until he reaches the right page, and then stops. Amazed and delighted, the couple purchase the dog and head home. That evening, they invite some friends over and show them the dog, having him run through his Psalm 23 routine. Impressed, one of the visitors asks "Does he also know 'regular' commands?" "Gee, we don't know. We didn't ask," replies the husband. Turning to the dog, he says, "Sit." The dog sits. He says, "Lie down." The dog lies down. He says "Roll over." The dog rolls over. He says "Heel." The dog runs over to him, jumps up on the sofa, puts both paws on the owner's forehead and bows his head. "Oh look!" the wife exclaims. "He's PENTECOSTAL!" WOOHOO Jesus!
+3 @ 28-01-2008 16:14 Dagor
34,748 posts	why do scots wear kilts? ... so that the sheep wouldn't hear the zipper
0 @ 28-01-2008 22:26 TheAnnoyance
45,050 posts	^
+4 @ 28-01-2008 23:49 DarXide
5,892 posts	Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f**k is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
0 @ 30-01-2008 00:31 MiaKaitlyn
43 posts	KingJezter.. UR HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /MiaKaitlyn\
0 @ 30-01-2008 00:33 do_right_girl
86 posts	Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count? A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows. Sorry , disgusting i know, but thats m humour.
0 @ 30-01-2008 00:40 PunkRckr8
10,017 posts	hahaha