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Jokes - Have A Good Joke? Share It Here!

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Elfwid
1
Elfwid | 20-06-2004 19:23
If you have a good joke, write it here!

i'll start with...

Did you hear my hamster died, he fell asleep at the wheel.
(anyone can do better than that)
1 to 25 of 3,095 comments
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Dekar
1
Dekar | 20-06-2004 19:26
Two guys got caught stealing a calendar. They each got 6 months.
Freek_a_Leek
2
Freek_a_Leek | 20-06-2004 19:30
There were 3 guys in a truck. The guy drivin was named Shut Up, the guy in the middles named Manners, and the guy hangin out the window is Crap. All of a sudden, crap falls out the window down into a valley. Shut up immediately stops and truck and Manners goes after him. Shut up tries to turn the car around to go get them, but he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop comes to the window and says "Sir, I caught you speeding. Ill let you off with a warning, but Im gonna need your name" "Shut up" "Excuse me? Alright, listen Im warnin you, give me your name." "Shut up!" "Alright, thats it Im givin you a ticket, now what is your name!" "SHUT UP!" The cops getting frustrated and says "Son, where are your manners!" So immediately, Shut up thinks of his friend, and replies with "Down the road, pickin up Crap."
Freek_a_Leek
0
Freek_a_Leek | 20-06-2004 19:31
^^I know that wasnt short, but I love it.
Elfwid
0
Elfwid | 20-06-2004 19:32
frossen_muffin
0
frossen_muffin | 20-06-2004 19:32
A Norwegian, a Swede and a Dane were competing who could hang furthest out of a window. Suddenly the Swede won.
buttercup89
0
buttercup89 | 20-06-2004 19:36
do you know how the Swede died? He fell out of the window while ironing his curtains
Crazy_Joe
0
Crazy_Joe | 20-06-2004 19:36
Here's one for any PhDs out there.

Q: What do you call someone who's ABD?
A: Mister.
Amythest
0
Amythest | 20-06-2004 21:43
How do you sell a horse to a dwarf?

*bends over*

DO YOU WANNA BUY A HORSE??
Raven88
0
Raven88 | 20-06-2004 21:45
what would it take to reunite the Beatles?

Two bullets.
Freek_a_Leek
0
Freek_a_Leek | 20-06-2004 21:52
Woah...that one about the Beatles was kinda harsh. Whered u hear that?
blaaah
1
blaaah | 20-06-2004 22:01
This is by no means SHORT.. but I thought it was kinda funny...

Three men, one German, one Japanese and a hillbilly were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a micro chip under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a micro chip in my hand." The hillbilly felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The hillbilly finally said..."Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
buttercup89
0
buttercup89 | 20-06-2004 22:02
blaaah
0
blaaah | 20-06-2004 22:05
I thought this was kinda funny too... even though it isn't short either...

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog: "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that he was pretty smart. The Accountant claimed his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that was darn good. But the Chemist bragged his dog could do better. He called: "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was really good. Then they turned to the government worker, "What can your dog do?" So he called to his dog, "Coffeebreak, do your stuff." Coffeebreak jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation, and then went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Freek_a_Leek
0
Freek_a_Leek | 20-06-2004 22:06
LOL!!!!! that was great.
buttercup89
0
buttercup89 | 20-06-2004 22:07
omg, that was freakin hilarious!!
blaaah
1
blaaah | 20-06-2004 22:10
another one...

The little spider story..... A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of s*** in OUR garden!"
icefyre
0
icefyre | 20-06-2004 22:12
lmao
blaaah
0
blaaah | 20-06-2004 22:16
There was a farmer who was very protective of his daughters. Before every date, he would meet the young man at the porch with his shotgun, and if he didn't measure up, he'd make sure they left. One day all three of his daughters were going out on the same night. The first young man drove up and approached the porch. "Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to get Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer liked this guy, and let him leave with his daughter. Shortly, the next guy drove up and approached the porch. "Hi, my name is Freddie, I'm here to get Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" The farmer liked this guy too, and let him leave with his second daughter. Soon the third guy drove up and approached the porch. "Hi, my name is Chuck..." and the farmer shot him
buttercup89
0
buttercup89 | 20-06-2004 22:17
Elfwid
0
Elfwid | 21-06-2004 08:23
Blaaah is good at jokes everyone keep them coming
KingJeZter
2
KingJeZter | 21-06-2004 08:45
A young boy asks his dad, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way.

1) I'm the bread winner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
2) Your mom is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
3) We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
4) The nanny we'll call the Working Class.
5) Let's call your baby brother the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

The little boy then goes to his parents' room and finds his sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He then gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad I think I now understand politics. The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is about. "The little boy replies "While Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored, and the future's in Deep Shit."
Elfwid
0
Elfwid | 21-06-2004 08:51
thats a good one
KingJeZter
0
KingJeZter | 21-06-2004 08:52
A man was in a bar drinking a beer. Every time he took a drink, he would slosh it around in his mouth, spit it out in the floor, and say, "Motherf***er sure can drive". He did this a few times and he was about to do it again, when the bartender stopped him and asked him why he kept spitting beer in the floor and saying motherf***er sure can drive.

The man said, "Well, me and my buddy were driving down the road when he turned down a one-way street, then, a tractor trailer pulled out behind
us while another was coming at us. I said, man if you can get us out of this one, I'll suck your dick!"

"Motherf***er sure can drive"
andro
0
andro | 21-06-2004 08:56
How did the blonde explain her helicopter crash?

"It was getting cold so I turned off the ceiling fan..."
milady
0
milady | 21-06-2004 08:57
he sure can drive! ewww!
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