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How Anxiety Has Changed Me

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Captain_Keeta
1
Captain_Keeta | 18-03-2014 01:23
First off, I'm making this topic because I don't wanna head into Randomness and moan and whine about how shitty my day was. I am making this topic so I can express my mind freely.

As most of you are aware, I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Not only has this impacted me, but also the ones that I most care about.

I can't pull myself together anymore because it is consuming me. School has been a bitch lately. People talk crap behind my back, no one at my school helps me and most people don't seem to understand what I'm going through. What helps me out in school the most is keeping a journal where I can freely write without any judgement. Lately, I've been requested by my school principal to rate the day out of 1 - 10. 1 being really cruddy and 10 being flawless. Since the end of January, every day has been no higher than a 7.. I sit in my class and start to have a panic attack over absolutely nothing. They are basically irrational fears. For an example, during my Global class, we were talking about the topic of World War II and for some odd reason, my heart rate increased drastically for no apparent reason. If you don't know what uncomfortable means, try having a panic attack in front of 20+ people. What makes it even worse is that now 3 times, I've had our school's resource officer basically scold me to class while I'm trying to regroup and calm down. This officer has not only threatened me with handcuffs but has also threatened to put his foot in my ass. I was told by my principal that when I have an anxiety attack during class, he told me to come down to the main office and go sit with him to try and calm down. Just recently, I had a panic attack in Geometry class for no apparent reason yet again and I went down to see him. I got there and not only did he yell at me, but he also told me I am a complete and utter failure to me, and my parents. At this point, I was totally shocked. So then he sends the resource officer to force me back to class and once again threatened me. After that incident, I became so depressed and basically gave up with the outside world. Last week, (3-10-14) was the only day I attended school. Everyday but Wednesday, I was absent from school. (Wednesday, 3-12-14 we had a snow day.) On Tuesday, my parents saw that I wasn't talking and saying anything and so they had to take immediate action; they went down to the school and tried to resolve any issues I feel I had there. I am no longer in Geometry for the rest of year because that isn't required to graduate high school. Today, (3-17-14) was probably one of my worst days yet. I woke up feeling fine and then as soon as school time hit, I panicked and avoided going there. I did managed to get myself there at around 8:50ish this morning. At around 10:35ish, I started to think about anxiety and it immediately sparked a nervous breakdown. I told my English teacher that I needed to leave because I was panicking. I left the class and went down to the nurse's office and she asked me why I was hyperventilating. I got all worked up over the little thought of anxiety. She took my blood pressure and my heart rate and both were off the charts. Then what made it even worse is when the principal came into the nurse's office and then threatened me by saying, "You either go to your next class or I'm sending you home because there is no reason for you to be here if you can't get to your classes." I felt like someone had sucker punched me because that totally threw me off. It took me until 12:30 to finally calm down and get back to class. So to summarize my day, it was shitty.

So what I'm trying to say is that I am completely depressed in my life and I really have no idea how much longer I can take this. I try and tell myself that I am okay and that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of but it never seems to work. I'm starting to run out of options and I am on thin ice. What I question are two simple things; Who would want to live a life like mine and the point of life. I plan on posting here almost everyday to see how the days progressively change. So if you have a problem with me posting here daily, suck it up and deal with it because I want to see how the days go. This took courage and balls to type/write because it just gives me anxiety thinking about it. Plus, I'm really releasing some of my personal life.

I hope this helps me deal with my anxiety/depression.

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MastersaArmsFan
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MastersaArmsFan | 09-08-2014 19:57
So glad to hear the good news. I have battled anxiety since I was about 13. I was a cutter. Still go to counseling, but doing so much better. Pray you will continue to improve.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 09-08-2014 21:22


Thank you Aseret and I hope you are doing well for yourself too.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 21-09-2014 23:33
(9/21/14)

It's been 17 days since my last large anxiety attack. I can say that my life is back on track, I'm happier, my parents are less stressed and I'm surprisingly going to school. I occasionally feel the anxiety rush through me during class but I've worked on many different coping skills to deal and prevent it from getting out of hand. I keep a little journal with me and write in it every single day. The first month of school is almost coming to an end. I've just gotta keep telling myself that there is nothing wrong with me and that if I was able to sit in this class prior to having an anxiety attack, I can do it anyways. I'm so thankful for the positive influences in my life. Knowing that I have my anxiety locked up again is honestly one of the best feelings I've had in ages. Life is great.
Captain_Keeta
1
Captain_Keeta | 01-01-2015 16:01
Can't wait to tackle 2015 with little to no problems.

I posted this on my Instagram and Facebook last night and I was so happy with all of the comments that were left.

While most of you had an excellent 2014, I personally think that my year wasn't too good because this has been the roughest year I've ever gone through. Here's why: From January to the middle of February of 2014, my life was going absolutely amazing. Then, what happened towards the end of February would forever haunt me. I started to experience anxiety and being in a state of panic 24/7 when I did my normal daily activities. Go to school, go out to dinner with my family, etc. It got so out of control that I had the school giving me coping devices to use and most of them didn't work. I was given a journal by my school to record any thoughts and use it as a coping device to prevent anxiety while in school and let me be the first to tell you that when I read my journal from February 10th to April 2nd, it makes me physically ill. I would later leave my school until the end of May because I just couldn't deal with it any longer. But having to deal with nonstop anxiety is not what I wanted in 2014. I just wanted to continue my never ending happiness but because of my severe anxiety and severe depression, that all changed. Even in my journal, I wrote about how I was going to kill myself because of this. I would later be diagnosed with severe depression, GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and an extreme panic disorder. The only thing I wish for when the new year comes is to be myself again. Never take life for granted because you never know when it will change. One event, like the one I had forever changed me. and thank you to the very few people who have helped me through this 110%. You know who you are. Please judge me for who I am because I don't care what any of you negative people have to say. Here's to a better year, without any problems and nonstop happiness. leave all of your problems in the past and move on with life. It's not worth the energy to dwell on it.
CarlJ
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CarlJ | 02-01-2015 15:29

Here's to a better year for us all Jeff.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 02-01-2015 16:08
Thanks Carl! Make each day count!
FireWaterBurn6
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FireWaterBurn6 | 02-01-2015 16:31
Protip - spilling your guts on social media makes you look weak, lame, and desperate for attention. I couldn't read it all because of cringing. Good luck in the new year.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 02-01-2015 16:33
Did Brett tell you to say that?

Thanks Curt.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 05-03-2015 02:11
Been having a hard time gripping my anxiety again. Not sure why it got out of control but sadly, it has.

Lately, I haven't made the effort to do much because I'm so anxious over nothing. I can go out, have a good time but I know that the anxiety is there, waiting to attack. I just hope to get a grasp on this again.
pikagirl
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pikagirl | 05-03-2015 02:26
hey keeta , sorry to hear about that .
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 05-03-2015 03:01
Everything happens for a reason.
vandy
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vandy | 05-03-2015 05:30
I'm late to the party here and I haven't read the whole thread. You've tried individual therapy, right kiddo? And at least given it a second try if the first one did not work well? Meds can help in the moment, but it's kind of like this, even in the best-case scenario that it actually helps:

You have an older car, and the check engine light comes on. You take it in, and you can't find anything wrong with the car. So you have the electrical cord to the light on the check engine light, and snip it. The light doesn't come on anymore.

Great! You feel great about the car...until something undetectable goes wrong, and you don't know because the check engine light doesn't work.

Like the check engine light in our cars, anxiety has a VERY important function. We need it. If a lion is chasing you, you should have terrible anxiety. It becomes harmful when we become afraid of things that are not harmful.

Easier said than done, and I'm using shortcuts here because you've probably heard this all before, but the more you avoid the things giving you anxiety, the worse the anxiety becomes. This is because you effectively re-inforce the anxiety behavior. When you are anxious about something, you avoid it, and then once you avoid it, you feel better. You are training your brain that the scary thing truly is dangerous, and that you only feel better by avoiding it.

The hardest thing to do is exposure therapy. It also tends to be the most effective thing. When you can face the non-dangerous things that make you anxious, you slowly train your brain that they do not pose any harm to you.

There are complicating factors. If you are deathly afraid of public speaking, and decide to bite the bullet in front of 1000 people, you are going to at least be awkward and at worse have some sort of panic attack, so you have to build up to these things in reasonable increments. That's one way a good therapist will help, is help you figure out how to face these fears without making them worse.

If you have tried many therapies to no avail, and have some of the following experiences, I have a different suggestion for you:
-Quick escalation of emotions with slow return to baseline
-Difficulty in interpersonal relationships: idolizing then devaluing people
-Difficulty holding a personal identity
-Suicidal ideation
-Desire to self injure
-Actually self injuring

you may want to look for a provider who offers dialectical behavior treatment.

Otherwise, look for a therapist who specializes in Cognitive Behavior Treatment. It's typically the best anxiety treatment.

I am sorry you are going through this. I haven't been there but I've walked through it with some who have.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 05-03-2015 05:54
Hey Meg! Thanks for your reply! I'm gonna go through it paragraph by paragraph.

Yes, I do individual therapy. I have monthly appointments. They do help out a lot. Meds are like a band aid, they only work for a bit.

I really like this example! It's clever and original!

Basically what you say in this paragraph is that you feel good about yourself until something different and something bad happens.

Absolutely we need anxiety, but worrying about going to a class isn't anythiny to be anxious about. I would imagine being in military combant would spark a panic attack.

That's how I feel about class and that's why it was such a struggle to go back to school last year. There is no real harm, I've just programmed my mind that there is danger.

That's what I'm working on now - that there is no harm.

My therapist and I have gone over stuff like that. I actually am the one who asked for more therapy sessions because I needed a "recharge."

I've had suicidal thoughts in the beginning of this all, but now I know what triggers it, there's no point in doing something I'd regret. Never have self harmed or had the desire too.

I'm doing cognitive behavior soon I believe.

Like I say to everyone else who tells me that they're sorry that I'm going though this, this happens for a reason. Whatever you go through in life, there's a reason you know. You have to climb, you have to struggle, you have to hurt, you have to feel the pain, because when you reach that moment, when you reach that peak, you feel it, and you are on top of the world.

I truly appreciate you taking the time out of your day to say this.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 05-03-2015 05:59
Great post, Meg. Unfortunately a lot of Jeff's anxiety occurs at school, so in a way he has a sort of natural exposure therapy, apart from when it gets so bad that he doesn't go in. This is something he's been struggling on and off with for some time. He's gone through therapy and meds; knows some of what helps and what doesn't (though obviously we don't always act in accordance with them), but he has had problems with feeling like he isn't being supported.

Jeff - don't be hard on yourself over the recent feelings. Relapses happen. I know right now you're still going to school, and you said in your post that you can still go out and have a good time, so it's still much better than it has been previously.

I know that the anxiety is there, waiting to attack


Remember to do your best to put this out of your mind. If you dwell on that thought, there's probably a bigger chance of an attack happening.

If you stopped writing in your journal and stopped the other exercises you were doing before, pick them up again. It's easy to get lazy when we're feeling better, but it's good to keep some of the treatment habits even when we are - helps keep us in check.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 05-03-2015 06:00
How rude, Jeff; I thought you weren't going to give a long reply. :p Good man.
vandy
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vandy | 05-03-2015 06:31
Sounds like you are on the right track and in the ups and down of it all! Fight on. You will get there. Are you a US citizen? If so are you taking advantage of an IEP? There is a misconception that they help kids with intellectual challenges, and while they can, they are really there to remove barriers to a productive learning environment for many reasons. Though it sounds like you have done a lot to be treated, so this is probably old hat to you
FireWaterBurn6
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FireWaterBurn6 | 05-03-2015 14:06
jeff would be 10x better off if him and his family stopped treating anxiety like AIDS
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 05-03-2015 14:39
Joeyy, it's really hard not to be hard on myself. I've had control of this but I lost control of it again, and that really upsets me. I don't stay at school all day either because it gets bad. I tell myself, "what's the point of life if there is no struggle," and this is my struggle. It's definitely taken its toll and myself and the ones I love.

Lol Joeyy, this is mainly the only thread where I give long replies. :p

You're right, Meg. At least I am aware of the problem. Yeah, I'm a US citizen. What is an IEP?

Well Curt, the only reason we [my family] treat this so seriously is because they never imagined I'd have problems like this.
vandy
1
vandy | 05-03-2015 15:01
Yep, the social construct factor is huge.

An IEP is an Individualized Education Plan. By law, schools are supposed to help you with anything getting in the way of your education. Your therapist should participate as well as your parents and a school counselor and as many of your teachers as possible.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 05-03-2015 15:10
By law, schools are supposed to help you with anything getting in the way of your education.


I understand now. Yeah, I might as well just get home schooled again so I can continue my education.
FireWaterBurn6
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FireWaterBurn6 | 05-03-2015 15:55
Get home schooled, fail to learn important social skills
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 05-03-2015 16:07
If I had a dollar for everytime you told me that...

You're absolutely right Curt, but I'm actually gonna make the effort to try and work my way back in as fast as I can. I mean, I've already been doing that but yeah.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 05-03-2015 16:10
We know your views, Curt; no need to repeat them here again when you know it'll probably just stir up trouble.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 05-03-2015 16:23
I do go after school to work with a teacher to get my work done, so I'm not falling behind.

I genuinely feel bad that I am putting my parents through this again. They would force me to school but since they understand what is going on, they haven't done that for almost two years now.
FireWaterBurn6
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FireWaterBurn6 | 05-03-2015 16:36
If Jeff doesn't want opinions, then he can take this thread to a private blog or journal. As long as it's on this forum, I will continue posting whenever I want. Thanks for your thoughts Joey.

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