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How Anxiety Has Changed Me

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Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 18-03-2014 01:23
First off, I'm making this topic because I don't wanna head into Randomness and moan and whine about how shitty my day was. I am making this topic so I can express my mind freely.

As most of you are aware, I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Not only has this impacted me, but also the ones that I most care about.

I can't pull myself together anymore because it is consuming me. School has been a bitch lately. People talk crap behind my back, no one at my school helps me and most people don't seem to understand what I'm going through. What helps me out in school the most is keeping a journal where I can freely write without any judgement. Lately, I've been requested by my school principal to rate the day out of 1 - 10. 1 being really cruddy and 10 being flawless. Since the end of January, every day has been no higher than a 7.. I sit in my class and start to have a panic attack over absolutely nothing. They are basically irrational fears. For an example, during my Global class, we were talking about the topic of World War II and for some odd reason, my heart rate increased drastically for no apparent reason. If you don't know what uncomfortable means, try having a panic attack in front of 20+ people. What makes it even worse is that now 3 times, I've had our school's resource officer basically scold me to class while I'm trying to regroup and calm down. This officer has not only threatened me with handcuffs but has also threatened to put his foot in my ass. I was told by my principal that when I have an anxiety attack during class, he told me to come down to the main office and go sit with him to try and calm down. Just recently, I had a panic attack in Geometry class for no apparent reason yet again and I went down to see him. I got there and not only did he yell at me, but he also told me I am a complete and utter failure to me, and my parents. At this point, I was totally shocked. So then he sends the resource officer to force me back to class and once again threatened me. After that incident, I became so depressed and basically gave up with the outside world. Last week, (3-10-14) was the only day I attended school. Everyday but Wednesday, I was absent from school. (Wednesday, 3-12-14 we had a snow day.) On Tuesday, my parents saw that I wasn't talking and saying anything and so they had to take immediate action; they went down to the school and tried to resolve any issues I feel I had there. I am no longer in Geometry for the rest of year because that isn't required to graduate high school. Today, (3-17-14) was probably one of my worst days yet. I woke up feeling fine and then as soon as school time hit, I panicked and avoided going there. I did managed to get myself there at around 8:50ish this morning. At around 10:35ish, I started to think about anxiety and it immediately sparked a nervous breakdown. I told my English teacher that I needed to leave because I was panicking. I left the class and went down to the nurse's office and she asked me why I was hyperventilating. I got all worked up over the little thought of anxiety. She took my blood pressure and my heart rate and both were off the charts. Then what made it even worse is when the principal came into the nurse's office and then threatened me by saying, "You either go to your next class or I'm sending you home because there is no reason for you to be here if you can't get to your classes." I felt like someone had sucker punched me because that totally threw me off. It took me until 12:30 to finally calm down and get back to class. So to summarize my day, it was shitty.

So what I'm trying to say is that I am completely depressed in my life and I really have no idea how much longer I can take this. I try and tell myself that I am okay and that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of but it never seems to work. I'm starting to run out of options and I am on thin ice. What I question are two simple things; Who would want to live a life like mine and the point of life. I plan on posting here almost everyday to see how the days progressively change. So if you have a problem with me posting here daily, suck it up and deal with it because I want to see how the days go. This took courage and balls to type/write because it just gives me anxiety thinking about it. Plus, I'm really releasing some of my personal life.

I hope this helps me deal with my anxiety/depression.

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Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 25-03-2014 15:15
I do because I can't imagine how annoyed you guys get. :/
FireWaterBurn6
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FireWaterBurn6 | 25-03-2014 22:46
I get annoyed most when I ask a question like 7 times in a thread, trying to be genuine, and you just refuse to answer it. Again, what is the ideal ending to all of this for you? Where do you see yourself in like 6 months or a year.

Realistically, what do you want the school to do? Just let you sit in the office all day, everyday? I don't think you've thought anything through and just want the world to cater to you. Facing difficulties and hardships is not only part of life but it helps mold who you are. The end result of who you are is a collection of experiences and influences in your life, and you can't run away from things or rely on Mom and Dad for every problem you have.

Things probably won't change much at a new school. I don't think you're suited to be with other people. Which is a shame, but it's the truth given the evidence. I'd keep expectations low and hopes high and see what happens.
zjenn4
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zjenn4 | 25-03-2014 23:52
You need to find some outlets, Jeff. What do you like to do? What 'relaxes' you? What helps you to focus?

I have my own anxiety issues, to the point where I've had some pretty embarrassing breakdowns, in public, where I could hardly breathe. What helped me control a lot of that, is finding things I enjoyed to do and that helped me to think/focus. For example, I like to put some music on and go run. That helps me to focus my thoughts. I like to play sports, volleyball, because I can get some of my aggression and frustration out in a structured and healthy way. Plus exercising is good for you, and it produces endorphins, which help to relieve stress and anxiety. I even like to color, which is childish and simple, but sometimes that is what I need.

The times I've felt the worst are when I spend too much time at home, by myself doing nothing. Because then my thoughts go crazy, I think about things that don't matter and I stress over them.

So aside from alternative education (where I still stand behind my suggestion of looking into online school), I would strongly recommend you find productive ways to spend your time doing something. And then at least you can feel like you accomplished something, too.
indiechick_
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indiechick_ | 26-03-2014 10:12
Curt's post couldn't be more accurate and you should stop ignoring him just because he picks on you every now and then. he's being genuinely helpful and i'd really like to see you answer his question because it's very similar to a question I posed to you the other day. what do you want from life? from school? for yourself in 5 years?

i understand that school is your world now, and that everything feels so important, every decision feels so final. but a few years from now you'll be able to put things in perspective and realize that school isn't that big of a deal. the most important part about school is the one you seem to be going out of your way to miss - learning how to be social, learning how the system works and rolling with the punches.

when you think this through, what is the best outcome you can think of?
Schatzi
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Schatzi | 26-03-2014 10:38
I would strongly recommend you find productive ways to spend your time doing something. And then at least you can feel like you accomplished something, too.


Get a job. I know you've said that you work but I believe you said it was family. Get a stupid job bussing at a restaurant or something. I know it sounds stupid but it can be so helpful. It will give you purpose & a bit of social life & the added bonus of money. It will also help prove to your parents that you're responsible & have no problem going to somewhere consistently that you feel comfortable at. Having a job while I was in high school really helped me keep my sanity. I was also insanely shy & it really helped me open up in that area.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 26-03-2014 12:25
I'm shadowing someone in a different school soon. That's a plus.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 27-03-2014 13:46
Meeting with the superintendent today. Should be a blast.
Juliet86
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Juliet86 | 27-03-2014 14:23
Good luck!
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 27-03-2014 14:39
Thanks Lisa. I'm very nervous for it. :/
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 30-03-2014 14:16
Yesterday was the first day in about 3 weeks where I didn't have an anxiety attack! Now it's time to build off of that!
Juliet86
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Juliet86 | 30-03-2014 20:41
That's great! Remember that day and don't be discouraged if it takes a while before you have another day without. More good days are coming.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 30-03-2014 20:42
I hope!
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 31-03-2014 14:27
Well unfortunately, I couldn't get to school again today. I didn't sleep at all last night and couldn't get myself to school. I know that I'm absolutely ridiculous but you all gotta understand that when I'm having an extreme rapid hard beat, l just throw in the towel. I thought yesterday I was ready for today but I was completely wrong. I am on a brand new medication that is specifically for anxiety and it completely knocked me on my ass. It made me feel calm but I could feel that the anxiety was still there. About this medicine, it's actually the smallest dose because of my weight. (I'm a tiny kid. Roughly 115 pounds) I am taking a quarter of a milligram of it and it completely knocked me out. I don't know what the rest of the week is going to be like but I am sure not looking forward to it.
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 01-04-2014 13:21
I've decided that I'm going to attempt to go to school tomorrow. I have permission to leave class without disrupting the lesson and I have more than 5 minutes to regroup and calm down! This is going to be a huge step for me and it will not only please me, but also my parents!
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 08-04-2014 14:28
Well today has gone great so far! I posted in randomness this morning about a meeting with my superintendent and it went extremely well! I'm not getting home instructed for five weeks and hopefully I can return to school for the last five weeks! Not only is this great for me but also great for my parents because they can relax because I'll be in a better environment! I'll also be continuing to expand my education! Beyond happy and I'm gonna work so hard to get back to school!
Captain_Keeta
1
Captain_Keeta | 25-04-2014 01:50
UPDATE: (4/24/14)

In these past couple of weeks, things have gone from to ! As most of you are aware, I recently started my Home Instruction at the local library and it has been going great! I feel happier in life and my mind doesn't feel as corrupt as it did a few weeks ago!
kalsonberry
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kalsonberry | 25-04-2014 08:08
Good to hear, Jeff!
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 25-04-2014 14:43
Thanks Kaleb!
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-05-2014 17:19
Well folks, today is the day we find the answers to my problems. Heading to the city to a behavioral hospital for an evaluation. Very nervous. I'll let you all know how everything goes. Hopefully, it goes well.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-05-2014 17:30
Don't expect too many answers, buddy. I don't want you to be disappointed. You have your different diagnoses already and the scientific reasons behind them are known, and there's therapy for the psychological side. The evaluation might give you a different, or another, diagnosis, though hopefully this won't be the case. Here's hoping they do come up with something to help you further, though.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-05-2014 17:31
Thanks.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 30-05-2014 00:12
Update: (5/29/14)

I've made a lot of progress! I've finally started to fight the shitty anxiety feeling during class and managed to keep myself in there! ( )

I need to buy a diamond padlock and burn the key so this anxiety can never break free.

Feeling a lot better in my life. Maybe things are finally starting to look up!
CarlJ
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CarlJ | 30-05-2014 12:56
YAAHHHH Jeff! sounds good. trying to get caught up on this thread and skimmed a lot of everything. sounds like you are on the right track.
Are you in a class again, or doing the Homeschooling? Asking that because my oldest daughter had a few similar issues as yours and she has just completed the first year of home schooling and has straight A's! sometimes it's the environment, sometimes it's the people and sometimes, it's just the attitude that each individual person has. hoping you are on the right track here my friend.
\
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 30-05-2014 13:09
Yeah, I'm back in class. I only go three hours of the day only for my important classes. The rest of the other classes are at home instruction.

Thanks Carl!!!
Captain_Keeta
2
Captain_Keeta | 09-08-2014 14:37
HUUUUUGE UPDATE!

I'm doing great! I'm going places, hanging out with friends, ignoring their bullshit, etc. School starts in less than a month and I'm not even worried about it. (Yet ) I think I'm gonna be okay though because I've managed to pull myself out of shitty situations multiple times now.
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