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How Anxiety Has Changed Me

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Captain_Keeta
1
Captain_Keeta | 18-03-2014 01:23
First off, I'm making this topic because I don't wanna head into Randomness and moan and whine about how shitty my day was. I am making this topic so I can express my mind freely.

As most of you are aware, I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Not only has this impacted me, but also the ones that I most care about.

I can't pull myself together anymore because it is consuming me. School has been a bitch lately. People talk crap behind my back, no one at my school helps me and most people don't seem to understand what I'm going through. What helps me out in school the most is keeping a journal where I can freely write without any judgement. Lately, I've been requested by my school principal to rate the day out of 1 - 10. 1 being really cruddy and 10 being flawless. Since the end of January, every day has been no higher than a 7.. I sit in my class and start to have a panic attack over absolutely nothing. They are basically irrational fears. For an example, during my Global class, we were talking about the topic of World War II and for some odd reason, my heart rate increased drastically for no apparent reason. If you don't know what uncomfortable means, try having a panic attack in front of 20+ people. What makes it even worse is that now 3 times, I've had our school's resource officer basically scold me to class while I'm trying to regroup and calm down. This officer has not only threatened me with handcuffs but has also threatened to put his foot in my ass. I was told by my principal that when I have an anxiety attack during class, he told me to come down to the main office and go sit with him to try and calm down. Just recently, I had a panic attack in Geometry class for no apparent reason yet again and I went down to see him. I got there and not only did he yell at me, but he also told me I am a complete and utter failure to me, and my parents. At this point, I was totally shocked. So then he sends the resource officer to force me back to class and once again threatened me. After that incident, I became so depressed and basically gave up with the outside world. Last week, (3-10-14) was the only day I attended school. Everyday but Wednesday, I was absent from school. (Wednesday, 3-12-14 we had a snow day.) On Tuesday, my parents saw that I wasn't talking and saying anything and so they had to take immediate action; they went down to the school and tried to resolve any issues I feel I had there. I am no longer in Geometry for the rest of year because that isn't required to graduate high school. Today, (3-17-14) was probably one of my worst days yet. I woke up feeling fine and then as soon as school time hit, I panicked and avoided going there. I did managed to get myself there at around 8:50ish this morning. At around 10:35ish, I started to think about anxiety and it immediately sparked a nervous breakdown. I told my English teacher that I needed to leave because I was panicking. I left the class and went down to the nurse's office and she asked me why I was hyperventilating. I got all worked up over the little thought of anxiety. She took my blood pressure and my heart rate and both were off the charts. Then what made it even worse is when the principal came into the nurse's office and then threatened me by saying, "You either go to your next class or I'm sending you home because there is no reason for you to be here if you can't get to your classes." I felt like someone had sucker punched me because that totally threw me off. It took me until 12:30 to finally calm down and get back to class. So to summarize my day, it was shitty.

So what I'm trying to say is that I am completely depressed in my life and I really have no idea how much longer I can take this. I try and tell myself that I am okay and that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of but it never seems to work. I'm starting to run out of options and I am on thin ice. What I question are two simple things; Who would want to live a life like mine and the point of life. I plan on posting here almost everyday to see how the days progressively change. So if you have a problem with me posting here daily, suck it up and deal with it because I want to see how the days go. This took courage and balls to type/write because it just gives me anxiety thinking about it. Plus, I'm really releasing some of my personal life.

I hope this helps me deal with my anxiety/depression.

26 to 50 of 213 comments
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Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:01
That's understandable. You have health disorders which can and have really impact your life. They're not easy to deal with; not for anyone. But it's very important for you to want to try, because if the desire to improve disappears, so does your motivation, and consequently the likelihood of your feeling better.
Joeyy
0
Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:03
I agree with Jen. Educational alternatives are often life-changing. When I went to hospital school, I was the only person there who was ill with a neurological condition. Most of the others had psychological, social issues. Being there was a huge help for them. They were able to finish their education and get the grades to go on to further education, and the confidence to be around more people without experiencing the same problems as before.
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:05
To be honest Jen, I really haven't. My parents have considered home schooling but that would be too much of a hassle.
FireWaterBurn6
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FireWaterBurn6 | 19-03-2014 22:06
Alternative schooling doesn't sound like a great idea to me. The smallest part of what you learn in high school is the stuff that's actually on the books. We could all have took online school and finished our day's work in an hour and lounged the rest of the day. The real value is creating relationships, learning to deal with people you don't like, meeting deadlines, working under pressure, etc.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:07
Alternative schooling doesn't sound like a great idea to me.


Yeah, I'm not real fond of that.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:13
It doesn't have to be online. The school I went to was an actual school, just with much smaller classes and flexibility.

The school you're at now isn't good for you. The teachers aren't understanding, nor is the principle. You're missing too much of it. You need an alternative, because anxiety isn't something you're just going to be able to switch off.
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:14
,...because anxiety isn't something you're just going to be able to switch off.


According to my principal, I already switched it off.
Juliet86
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Juliet86 | 19-03-2014 22:14
It might be worth looking into if there is some alternative near you, at least.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:15
Yeah, you never know.
Joeyy
0
Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:16
Even if the alternative is finding a way for your teachers to understand. For example, they could allow you to step out of class and wait for your anxiety to calm down when it happens, then letting you re-join when you're feeling well enough, instead of insisting you either stay in class or go home.

Have your parents talked to them about what they might be willing to do to help?
Joeyy
0
Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:16
Do you mean s/he was implying you no longer have anxiety?
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:17
They've actually allowed me to do that, Joeyy. Except it never helps.

I really am not looking forward to tomorrow in school.
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:17
Basically.
Juliet86
0
Juliet86 | 19-03-2014 22:19
So he thinks you're just faking it, then?
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:19
He told me that I'm "BSing" all of this.

(Bullshitting)
FireWaterBurn6
0
FireWaterBurn6 | 19-03-2014 22:20
You're way too focused on your principal. He deals with a thousand kids. You go to class like once a week. If he just shrugged and didn't ask any questions the school would be a madhouse. Sounds like when people try to light a fire under your ass, you suck your thumb and wait for them to bring you a binky. Use fuel to your advantage, not your detriment.
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:21
Curt, you got the majority of this wrong. I go to class everyday.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:23
Well, he's an idiot. My own mother's accused me of faking my illness. These people don't think about the quality of life the illnesses force us to have; they just think it's enjoyable for us because we get to miss out on some things certain people don't like. We have to learn to ignore them.
Joeyy
0
Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:24
I can't blame Curtis; it does seem like you miss a lot of school, because you make such comments as "I didn't go to school AGAIN" in Randomness quite often. At least it feels like it. And sometimes when you do go to class, you leave. I'm not sure that counts as attending (in your principal's eyes).
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:25
It's really hard to ignore an ignorant ass like himself. I did manage to hold back from using fowl language while he was bitching at me today. So that's a plus.
Joeyy
0
Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:25
When you say it never helps, do you mean you're not able to calm down and go back in or that you calm down but have another attack once you're back in class?
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:26
It doesn't, Joeyy.
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:26
When I leave, I am told to go down to our school's counselling center and they tell me that I have 5 minutes to regroup and collect myself.
Joeyy
0
Joeyy | 19-03-2014 22:27
Haha. You mean "foul". With a 'w', it means birds.
Captain_Keeta
0
Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 22:27
Dammit. I knew it.
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