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How Anxiety Has Changed Me

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Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 18-03-2014 01:23
First off, I'm making this topic because I don't wanna head into Randomness and moan and whine about how shitty my day was. I am making this topic so I can express my mind freely.

As most of you are aware, I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder known as Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Not only has this impacted me, but also the ones that I most care about.

I can't pull myself together anymore because it is consuming me. School has been a bitch lately. People talk crap behind my back, no one at my school helps me and most people don't seem to understand what I'm going through. What helps me out in school the most is keeping a journal where I can freely write without any judgement. Lately, I've been requested by my school principal to rate the day out of 1 - 10. 1 being really cruddy and 10 being flawless. Since the end of January, every day has been no higher than a 7.. I sit in my class and start to have a panic attack over absolutely nothing. They are basically irrational fears. For an example, during my Global class, we were talking about the topic of World War II and for some odd reason, my heart rate increased drastically for no apparent reason. If you don't know what uncomfortable means, try having a panic attack in front of 20+ people. What makes it even worse is that now 3 times, I've had our school's resource officer basically scold me to class while I'm trying to regroup and calm down. This officer has not only threatened me with handcuffs but has also threatened to put his foot in my ass. I was told by my principal that when I have an anxiety attack during class, he told me to come down to the main office and go sit with him to try and calm down. Just recently, I had a panic attack in Geometry class for no apparent reason yet again and I went down to see him. I got there and not only did he yell at me, but he also told me I am a complete and utter failure to me, and my parents. At this point, I was totally shocked. So then he sends the resource officer to force me back to class and once again threatened me. After that incident, I became so depressed and basically gave up with the outside world. Last week, (3-10-14) was the only day I attended school. Everyday but Wednesday, I was absent from school. (Wednesday, 3-12-14 we had a snow day.) On Tuesday, my parents saw that I wasn't talking and saying anything and so they had to take immediate action; they went down to the school and tried to resolve any issues I feel I had there. I am no longer in Geometry for the rest of year because that isn't required to graduate high school. Today, (3-17-14) was probably one of my worst days yet. I woke up feeling fine and then as soon as school time hit, I panicked and avoided going there. I did managed to get myself there at around 8:50ish this morning. At around 10:35ish, I started to think about anxiety and it immediately sparked a nervous breakdown. I told my English teacher that I needed to leave because I was panicking. I left the class and went down to the nurse's office and she asked me why I was hyperventilating. I got all worked up over the little thought of anxiety. She took my blood pressure and my heart rate and both were off the charts. Then what made it even worse is when the principal came into the nurse's office and then threatened me by saying, "You either go to your next class or I'm sending you home because there is no reason for you to be here if you can't get to your classes." I felt like someone had sucker punched me because that totally threw me off. It took me until 12:30 to finally calm down and get back to class. So to summarize my day, it was shitty.

So what I'm trying to say is that I am completely depressed in my life and I really have no idea how much longer I can take this. I try and tell myself that I am okay and that there is absolutely nothing to be afraid of but it never seems to work. I'm starting to run out of options and I am on thin ice. What I question are two simple things; Who would want to live a life like mine and the point of life. I plan on posting here almost everyday to see how the days progressively change. So if you have a problem with me posting here daily, suck it up and deal with it because I want to see how the days go. This took courage and balls to type/write because it just gives me anxiety thinking about it. Plus, I'm really releasing some of my personal life.

I hope this helps me deal with my anxiety/depression.

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zjenn4
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zjenn4 | 18-03-2014 02:47
Are we allowed to reply in here? Have you considered online school? There are online high school programs now. Maybe being able to go to school in a more comfortable environment and at your pace, would be more appropriate for you.
kalsonberry
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kalsonberry | 18-03-2014 03:21
Sorry to hear that Jeff! Is there some sort of school counselor you could talk to?
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 18-03-2014 16:15
Are we allowed to reply in here?


Absolutely. I want to hear from all of you because you guys are much more smarter than me and more mature. Obviously, most of you aren't psychologists but I'd still love to hear from all of you.

Is there some sort of school counselor you could talk to?


Yeah but they haven't really done anything for me.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 17:54
3/19/14:

Today was not a good day... My principal flipped out on me because I refused to go back into class. We were talking about a unit that provoked my mind two years ago. Therefore, I did the smart thing and avoided the topic. My principal yet again threatened me by saying, "You either go to class or you go home." I flat out told him that sending me home will do nothing.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 18:13
It makes sense for the counselling not to be helping much at the moment. Do you have it once a week? When we're feeling at our lowest, it's not always enough. If depression is at that level, words which make sense to us when we're able to think more clearly don't have the same impact. Even if we understand them, they can't change the way we think because our feelings are too strong; they take away our rationality.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 18:13
Is your new medication a different antidepressant?
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 18:17
I have counselling every two weeks.

I'm taking this. This is my new medication.

I am still taking this, and am also taking this. I'm leaning off the Lexa Pro now.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 18:23
The first thing I noticed about the aripiprazole is that it says this:

ABILIFY (aripiprazole) is meant to be taken in addition to an antidepressant—not instead of it.


You need to talk to your doctor about that if the plan was to use it as your only antidepressant.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 18:25
I am taking it to help my anxiety. Obviously, it's not going to work in one night but whatever the case may be, I'd really love for this anxiety to go the hell away.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 18:30
Then what are you taking for your depression? If the plan is to get off the Lexapro and the Abilify is for your anxiety, and the other for your ADD.

Why would they be weaning you off the Lexapro when you're feeling more, rather than less, depressed?
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 18:30
Exactly... Things like this make no sense to me.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 19:07
It's not you, it doesn't make sense in general. Well, it's strange and not what you need, but maybe there's a reason we don't understand yet. Is a psychiatrist prescribing your meds or your doctor?
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 19:09
My doctor.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 19:16
Do you see her/him on a regular basis or do you just make an appointment when you need to? And do your parents go with you?
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 19:18
I see her when I really need to see her. My father and I go.
FireWaterBurn6
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FireWaterBurn6 | 19-03-2014 21:00
I wouldn't look to a pill for a magic cure. Part of your principals job is to make sure kids aren't weasling their way out of classes. If you can't understand why he might think you're doing exactly that then you're delusional.

Doesn't sound like you have much to panic over either.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 21:04
Explain my extreme heart beat. Explain why I was already diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 21:09
What a lot of people don't understand is that anxiety, like most fear, isn't rational; there doesn't need to be a big occurrence for the sufferer to have something to panic over. The smallest thing can trigger an anxiety attack. So those comments are pointless. The fact that we personally don't see anything awful for someone to panic about means nothing, and often people who suffer from anxiety attacks will realise that themselves - it's just not enough to change things for them.
FireWaterBurn6
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FireWaterBurn6 | 19-03-2014 21:10
Diagnoses = giving a name to a set of behaviors. You can diagnose someone with o.d.d. but it doesn't absolve them from being a little asshole. I don't doubt you have anxiety but I do doubt the severity of it. Literally millions of people have anxiety. I think you'll be fine but I also think you lack a bigger picture perspective. You aren't a victim.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 21:13
That is actually a great point Curt. I get told that almost everyday, "You're not the only one with anxiety."
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 21:14
That's true, Curt. But what we have to remember is how an anxiety attack feels. At its strongest, people describe it as feeling as if they're dying. The tightening of the chest, making it difficult to breathe, and the rapid heartbeat - in the moment, the fear attached to those symptoms makes the person feel even worse, and facts like not being the only one can cease to matter because the person often can't think clearly.

One thing Jeff has going for him is that he's aware of what's happening, which is fantastic because he knows it's psychological and can be controlled, rather than believing something is wrong with his body. The hard part now is being able to have that control.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 21:15
I've had control of it before but it sorta broke out of its cage again...
Joeyy
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Joeyy | 19-03-2014 21:17
I know. That's the other great thing - you know you've been able to manage it in the past, so there's absolutely no reason you won't be able to in the future. You just have to believe it. That's a big part of it.
Captain_Keeta
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Captain_Keeta | 19-03-2014 21:21
That's another problem I have. Staying positive.
zjenn4
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zjenn4 | 19-03-2014 21:45
Jeff, have you considered educational alternatives (like when I mentioned online school earlier)? It seems that public school is not for you. Maybe if you tried something else, you'd be more successful.
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