Poetry | Blue Stars In The Black Velvet

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Blue Stars In The Black Velvet

08-03-2004 02:46

aflackoh6

28,546 posts

its not in my poetry thread cuz its not poetry...yeah

He sees the cuts on my arms and lightly runs his fingers over them. He asks why and I tell him everything. The pain, the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, everything. It all spills from my mouth and into the frozen air.

He pulls up a sleeve to reveal what I already know is there. I understand more than anyone what he is doing. All this time I’ve wanted to yell from the rooftops that I understand. And now he knows.

We sit in silence, thinking about everything. He is the first to speak. He apologizes for being so blind. My actions all said something was wrong, but he turned and looked in the other direction. I tell him its ok, that everyone looked over the way I was acting. He hangs his head in silence.

I tell him I knew what he was doing long before I saw them for the first time. I saw through his fake exterior of happiness and caught glimpses of the storm raging inside of him. I understood exactly what was going on. I wished I could tell him something, anything, to help. But the words formed a lump in my throat that words could not get around.

I hated myself for it.

That’s where my cutting began. I was angry at myself every time I saw him. The anger built up so much that I couldn’t deal with it through writing, so I began to cut. It began with small punctures on my upper arms and for a few months I quit stabbing my arms with needles. But then I began high school and I couldn’t deal with everything, it was just too much for me. I started to cut again, and that’s how it got to where it is now, the cuts on my arms show me myself. They tell me that my anger is justifiable. And they make me feel better.

The pain releases my feelings of hurt, aggression, emotional pain…everything really. It pacifies my emotional pain with physical pain.

As sick as it sounds, I love it.

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Reactions
08-03-2004 02:47 Htd1
23,375 posts	me likey
08-03-2004 02:50 midnighteyesAFI
2,132 posts	that was really deep...I feel like I could really connect with that...and as sick as it does sound I feel the same way about cutting, and i hate myself so much for that
08-03-2004 02:50 hotkat444
649 posts	i can definately identify.. almost creepy how much i can identify.. good job.
08-03-2004 02:52 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	That was so beautiful, Ashley. It brought tears to my eyes, and I loved the way you expressed your feelings.
08-03-2004 03:03 mannolewen
730 posts	this is really good. You are an excellent writer. If there is anything I can do to help I will. I know it is sick and I know it creates a pleasure that is undescribable but it is a addiction, a disease. Let me know if I can help in any way.
08-03-2004 03:11 IrishMeg1
21,216 posts	o wow it is good.. i can picture it all through the writing, very good ash
08-03-2004 03:14 crazydazibaby
8,210 posts	ash i liked... .. but not really cuz its sad.. but its good
08-03-2004 21:45 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	Whee...more stuff...story-ness Thunder claps. Rain falls. Lightning crashes. Shadows thrown against the wall. Flashing glances of metal shattered against a face. My face. I push the razor in and another lightning bolt lands outside. Swish - swish - swish...retracing lines, so as not to take such short a time. Drawing the pain out, making it last until I need it no more. I continue sketching into my wrist as I think...'Why am I doing this? Ending everything now would be a storybook ending to this hell that is my world' For a moment, I close my eyes and imagine how I would do it. I've imagined this scene many times before, but this time the images are vivid and sharp. The mirror is shattered, its shards refelecting the stucco of the celing. My arms are covered in cuts and I am lying in the bathtub. I am still alive. Slowly, I pour alcohol onto my fresh wounds and cry tears of joy and pain, mingled together. The gun lays on the crisp white towel that is resting behind my head. No one is home, but none the less, the door is locked and the key is hidden. My breathing is shaky as I reach over my head. A drop of blood falls from my arm and into my mouth. The iron plays a melody of pain for me though my tastebuds. I savor the last notes as the flavor fades away. My hand finds the gun and brings it infront of me. Relasing the safety, I press the end of the barrel into my temple. One click sets the bullet into play, and I continue pressing onward. The trigger is pushed almost to the hilt and I whisper a final goodbye... 'Life is a waste of energy. I am a waste of space.' With that, I am gone. The sound of the wind outside snaps me from my dream. I look down at my wrist, to see that the cuts are very clear....clearer than they have ever been before.
08-03-2004 21:47 hotkat444
649 posts	amazing.. horrid, but absolutely amazing... i'm.. shocked.. you captured it wonderfully...
08-03-2004 22:03 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Oh my.. Oh my oh my oh my.. Ashley. Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. I cannot even describe in words how much I loved this. I.. I.. am at a loss for words. This one brought tears, not just welling in my eyes, but actual tears. I commend you on a job wonderfully done.
08-03-2004 22:07 rawkerNoNagal
9,981 posts	I like them A LOT...but i have a question over the chrnonological order of the first one.. it begins with him touching your arm right? so at the end when you say i began cutting now... i'm confused
08-03-2004 22:11 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	i didnt say i began cutting...i looked down at my arm
08-03-2004 22:11 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	oh wait...ha...thats HOW i started cutting...
09-03-2004 00:15 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	-bump-ness for lev-
09-03-2004 00:16 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Ashies, you have to read my new thread, please please please?
09-03-2004 00:17 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	whereeeeeeeeeeee?
09-03-2004 00:23 DNA_Maniac
4,823 posts	thx to my mood and ur great talent of write.. now i got 2 more cuts in my left wirst... DRAGS 'N' ALCOHOL
09-03-2004 00:26 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	lev...please dont..
09-03-2004 02:18 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	thanks alice...
11-03-2004 21:43 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	my qoute for Alice...it made me think of AFI "All paths lead to the same goal: to convey to others what we are. And we must pass through solitude and difficulty, isolation and silence in order to reach forth the enchanted place where we can dance our clumsy dance and sing our sorrowful song" -- Pablo Neruda
11-03-2004 21:45 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Oooooooooh pretty, I like it.
11-03-2004 21:46 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	makes me wonder if thats where AFI got 'sing the sorrow' from...
11-03-2004 21:49 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Hmmm..I dunno but I'll be back soon to read your story
11-03-2004 21:49 aflackoh6
28,546 posts	sorry about the..something, i wrote off the top of my head and its a lil rough words frozen in space and time. he is unable to push them into this frozen air, but i need to hear them now. more than anything, i want him to speak, and tell me everything will be ok. but i know it wont. nothing will ever be ok, it wont be alright. ever. not that him speaking would make it ok, but it would help just a bit. when he haneded it back to me, he looked into my face and saw through it all for the first time. all the scars and pain were unable to hide from him. i shyed away from his gaze, but he wouldnt let me. his eyes locked me in place. at that moment, the words should have hurled out of his mouth, but they didnt. instead his jaw hung open, words dribbling off of his chin and shattering upon their contact with the ground. i try to pick them up and form them into syllables and sentences but they crumble in my hands. a tear falls at his feet, and he, again, looks into my eyes. he sees the tears welling up in my eyes and bushes one of the fallen off of my cheek. in that breif flash of time, i realize how much he understands all that i wrote. i see the shimmer of a scar on his forearm, and smile in the realization that i, in some small way, have helped him overcome his demons. my demons, however, are another story.
11-03-2004 22:03 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Very pretty and powerful, I like.