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Coming out

15-10-2009 16:43

Secret_Sphere

219 posts

So, I know I'm not really here that much anymore. But since I sometimes dabble in here, and Joey often mentions me, I want everyone here to know. I'll do my best to keep it short and open to any questions.

(I'm Jay The Viking/KateKateKate for anyone who does not know)

I am transgender. I identify as a man, not as a woman. This is something I have been thinking about, but not really discussed, for a long time. Eventually I will be going through a complete physical change to male, but right now I don't have access to these resources. It will be at least a year, but more like 3 or 4.

Either way, I am now going by the name Caleb, not Katherine/Kate. In addition, I want everyone to do their best to refer to me using the male pronoun. Any and all support is very important to me. I realize that it will be difficult for people on here who have known me for years so I can forgive slippage on the name or pronouns.

I do want to clarify one thing. I know I identified as a lesbian before, but this is not a case of "extreme lesbianism", and not everyone who is a lesbian wants to be male. Many are very happy with their female bodies and identities. I, however, am not.

As I said, I am open to any questions that people may have for me.

Cheers,

Caleb

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Reactions
16-10-2009 18:34 JuiceBoxJoe
2,782 posts	I dont normally agree with ludman on really anything, but I have to agree on one small thing. To most of us and anybody else who knows that your transgender, you will always be a woman.
16-10-2009 18:54 Secret_Sphere
219 posts	All right, I hope I manage to address everything that has come up in this thread since I've been offline. I was speaking to you, drdonny. And everyone who has been supportive in general. And no, I am being completely serious for once. as for the comments about me always being a woman to others. There's a few things I want to say about that. First, after getting male hormones, my voice will deepen very noticeably, wthout any effort on my behalf. I may have to get speech therapy so that I don't speak in a female intonation (but even if I didn't, anyone would think I was just a very effeminate male, because my voice will sound authentically male). Second, I know there are a lot of issues about what makes a "man." Daniel is right. I am at a disadvantage right now because I have not been socialized as a male. Many of my qualities have come forward because I was socialized as a female. I may not fit into society's definition of what makes a male, but I will still consider myself as a male and I hope that others will too. I know that for people who know me as trans, and who knew me as female, I will still be seen as a woman. I have had this experience with other transgender people that I know (seeing them as the gender I knew them as before). But no one knows you better than you. No one knows me better than me. I know how I feel and connect with the world. And I hope that people on here, especially those who know me better, will make an effort to 'relearn' if you will. Use the right name, the right pronoun. It would mean a lot. I do have support irl, but I also have challenges ahead of me. Any and all support will help me come out of this emotionally healthy and stable. And I wonder...what really makes a woman a woman? A vagina? The lack of a penis? If some of the guys on here had their penises cut off, I highly doubt they'd identify as female. And as for gender socialization? it's nothing more than society trying to define what women act like and what men act like. And everyone loses. Men are expected to be tough, stoic, aloof, and unfeeling. Women are expected to be weak, frail, and dependent. Everyone is stifled by the current gender norms. It's a passing thing and it changes as society changes. It cannot be used a method of determining who is male and who is female. I could get deeper into this, but I won't unless anyone has anymore questions about it.
16-10-2009 19:02 Htd1
23,374 posts	what really makes a woman a woman? A vagina? The lack of a penis? If some of the guys on here had their penises cut off, I highly doubt they'd identify as female. seriously don't know what makes a woman a woman? since you're getting all your.. womanly parts removed, and probably not getting all male parts, you'd just be asexual. therefore, what right do you have in calling yourself male? like, just because you want to be one? scientifically, you wouldn't be one. if i decided to cut my partner in crime off, and decided to get implants, i still would not be a woman. because of everything else i got going on inside. this is still way over my head. but, if you feel it will make things easier and better for you, then i am happy with, and support, your decision.
16-10-2009 19:15 Secret_Sphere
219 posts	Thanks for the support Gabe, even though you don't completely understand right now. I'll try to give the explanation that modern science has to offer for transgender. Gender isn't really... as defined as we would like to think. In society we divide people into male and female, but realistically, many people are on a continuum. For example, there are a lot of intersex people (about 1 in 100 live births). They have ambiguous genitals, hormones, or chromosomes. It is scientifically impossible to define them as male or female because they are both. We don't hear about this because the doctors decide what gender the child should be, perform surgery, and normally the doctors and parents hide the evidence and raise the child a certain way. While I don't have ambiguous genitals (just to clear that up ), the current theory on transgender has to do with what happens in the womb. For the first few weeks of being a fetus, a child has a female brain and female genitals. All children - female is actually the default gender. If the child has the male chromosomes, hormones will come into play and masculinize the body and the brain. If the child has female hormones, they will remain in a female body. This much is scientifically known. But as I just said, not everyone has the correct chromosomes, and sometimes the hormones don't act the way they "normally" do. So, transgender people can have their brain develop in nonconventional ways. While my genitals may not have been masculinized, my brain could have been more masculinized than feminized. This could lead me to feel more male, despite being born with a body that looks entirely female. I hope this makes sense.
16-10-2009 21:42 WH1
437 posts	LIAR,LIAR Tell the truth about the statistics and STOP your rediculous and immature falsification of THE FACTS: The INSA(Intersex Society of North America) states the following: Here’s what we do know: If you ask experts at medical centers how often a child is born so noticeably atypical in terms of genitalia that a specialist in sex differentiation is called in, the number comes out to about 1 in 1500 to 1 in 2000 births. That's EXPERTS Kate,not YOU,Deceiver This bogus crap should be Liar,Liar
16-10-2009 21:55 WH1
437 posts	just like Peter LudMan said a bunch of ridiculous liberal NONSENSE. Worthless refuse unfit for reading
16-10-2009 22:12 Juliet86
13,938 posts	Cause of course he's a liar for maybe getting some statistics wrong?
16-10-2009 22:28 Secret_Sphere
219 posts	Different groups have different statistics. Because a lot of people are unable to imagine the idea of something not totally male, or not totally female, many intersex cases are covered up. Another reason that different places have different statistics is because the term "ambiguous genitalia" depends on the person looking at the actual genitals. Someone who wants to see genitals as female will declare them to be female and that may be that. My point is, gender is not always divided into two clean-cut categories. People fall within a continuum, and not within a group.
16-10-2009 22:57 WH1
437 posts	face the facts you overexaggerated over 15 TIMES the actual amount case closed rubbish not worth my time.
16-10-2009 23:01 Secret_Sphere
219 posts	No, I did not exaggerate...I used a statistic from a different source.
16-10-2009 23:26 Maycen
21,466 posts	I've been debating whether to write anything here at all, but decided to give it a try. You know I struggled to understand when a friend of mine said she was gonna go through with this. And I still don't understand, but I'm not gonna judge. I'm just concerned. Once you do this, there's no going back. That's what worries me. What if you wake up one day with regrets? I'm sure you've thought of all this, but it still concerns me. There's so much I could say, but I know it wouldn't change how you feel in the slightest. I really do hope you end up happy. That's what matters. Good luck with everything. Oh, and I love the name Caleb.
16-10-2009 23:52 Bucephalus
3,869 posts	Are you really that unhappy as a female? I support this choice although i could never understand.. If nothing else, just because of the cost of everything, the time it takes, the energy, etc.. Just all the bad you gotta go through to get to (hopefully) the good.
17-10-2009 00:12 Secret_Sphere
219 posts	Thank you Curtis. Maiken, I thought about your friend a lot while going through this. I realize that the changes are very serious and often irreversible. At this point, I do feel sure about this. It is something that I want. But I'll address the "what if?" that you bring up. If I do wake up and regret my decision, the hardest part is going to be socially - telling people I want to be referred to as female again. That will be challenging, probably embarrassing, and a great deal to go through. As for the changes to my body, I feel that I can love my body no matter what. I love my body now, even though it doesn't match my gender identity. I am only changing it so that I can have an easier time being recognized as male. My point is that the bodily changes may not be reversible, but I know I have what it takes to be true to myself, even if that means going through more challenges to re-identify as female. I'm glad that there's a few people who really like the name, too.
17-10-2009 00:27 Juliet86
13,938 posts	My first association to the name Caleb was to the one in Buffy, which isn't exactly a positive one, haha. But I actually do like the name.
17-10-2009 00:41 Maycen
21,466 posts	There's no doubt in my mind that you'll get through this, even if you do end up regretting it one day. You're stronger than most people. I just really hope you won't have to.
17-10-2009 00:44 Secret_Sphere
219 posts	Haha! Lisa, I totally thought of that when deciding the name. "Do I really want to be associated with that guy?" Fortunately I'm a feminist and not misogynist. I can be nice Caleb. Thanks Maiken. In preparing to come out I've thought of the worst case scenario for pretty much everything. So far, my experiences have been mostly positive, so let's hope that it continues going that way.
17-10-2009 01:57 JuiceBoxJoe
2,782 posts	Ludman, if its rubbish and not worth your time, shut the f**k up All you ever do is post about how things are beneathe you, yet you constantly post anyway.
17-10-2009 03:30 Joeyy
11,140 posts	Fair enough, this part can be discussed, but I don't think you'll understand whatever answer I give. I don't have a straight (HA) answer for you. If I wasn't in love with Caleb, I'd only date women. I generally don't feel any chemistry with men (emotional in particular). But with Caleb, the chemistry was already established, and we're in love, so...I can still love/feel attracted to him.
17-10-2009 03:39 fishmunky
22,056 posts	I've been reading this topic for the last little while and really struggling what to say, as i've known Katherine/Caleb for as log as he's been on this site first off let me address those of you posting things not discussed by the threadstarter, stop it, you want to spam up a topic there's thousands of other on far less personal topics to do so in. secondly, those of you not in support fine, express your opinion, but don't cross the fine line you're curently stradling, looking like a bigot endears your opinion to no one. Frank Zappa said the mind is like a parachute, it works best when it's open, keep the neo con jesus freak B.S out of here if you have nothing remotely intelligent to add to the proceedings thanks, since i didn't see a source backing your "facts" you have no legs to stand on in this argument lastly, Like i said i strugged with what i was gong to say to the newly christened Caleb, but i guess the only thing to say is congrats on figuring yourself out and good luck with the transformation. Caleb's an adult, a big boy now, smart enough to make the decisions he feels he needs to make in order to be happy, if it doesn't work out he and he alone has to live with the consequences. Honestly i wish you the best, not every one's journey in life is as simple as a straight line a to b, no matter how many twists and turns you've taken I'm glad you've finally found the destination that will give you the peace of mind you seek
19-10-2009 11:13 Dagor
38,011 posts	I congratulate you all on thinking that you are grown up when you're in your early 20s and that you are fully able to make decisions that you aren't going to regret. I also have to disappoint you that this is not the case. It's true that you aren't a child anymore, but that doesn't qualify you by far to know everything about life and certainly not to make 'the right decisions' .. I know that you don't want to hear this, I didn't want to hear it either when I was 20. My experience told me however that there are a lot of things that you regret later. Some people try to 'protect' ppl in their early 20s. It's pointless .. you can't .. regrets are programmed, such is life.
25-10-2009 17:24 indiechick_
10,813 posts	i hadn't seen this.. but i've just read through this thread and i have to say this, Caleb you've got my full support like you always did. more than most of the people here, i can tell how much you've always looked to find your true self. well you've gone a long way and your happiness is all that matters, don't let people judge you or tell you what to do. follow your heart and if this transformation will bring you closer to being happy, then i wish it all goes well. i've expressed a few weeks ago that transgender people puzzle me, but what i meant is just that there's so many feelings involved in the process that are unknown to me. doesn't mean i think less of transgender, or that i don't respect it - on the contrary actually. i believe it takes a very brave person to go through this very hard process just to be happy. power to you, and please know that you can count on me all the way.
26-10-2009 18:12 WH1
437 posts	^Boooooo! That's such pc crap.
26-10-2009 19:47 Captain_Keeta
4,272 posts	your crap
30-10-2009 20:39 WH1
437 posts	(People.com) -- Now that he's finally in the body he always felt he belonged in, Chaz Bono said he's enjoying something that took decades to accomplish. "It's a long process going back almost a decade," Bono, formerly known as Chastity, told, Entertainment Tonight in an interview airing Thursday and Friday. "I got clean and sober in 2004 and I couldn't have done this before that." Born the daughter of Cher and Sonny Bono, Chaz, 40, has been undergoing a female-to-male sex change since March, a process that has already had significant physical changes on his body. "It lowered my voice," he said. "Fat redistributes, muscle growth, hair growth, sex drive increases." One thing that didn't need changing: His mental and emotional concept of himself as fundamentally male. People.com: Cher 'will support' Chaz's sex change "I always felt like the male from the time I was a child," he said. "There wasn't much feminine about me." "I believe that gender is something between your ears, not between your legs. That is something I discovered in the early '90s. It was just a long process of being comfortable enough to do something about it." It was turning the milestone age of 40 that spurred him to action. "I was turning 40 and I thought it's now or never. I want to still feel vibrant and be able to enjoy my life in a male body and not wait until I am an old man." © 2009 People and Time Inc. All rights reserved. "Friend of yours I presume - birdheads of a feather flock together.
30-10-2009 20:40 Captain_Keeta
4,272 posts	Oh god. not thisguy agin ^