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Forum  /  Poetry  /  ReadPlease - Need Feedback

ReadPlease - Need Feedback

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@ 05-11-2003 14:42Rass is offline Rass  
5,430 posts
okay this aint really poetry buuuuuut i kinda wanted to post it and see what other people thought, kay? kay

oh and there are some things mentioned that you wont understand and some things mentioned a couple people would understand (like alicia will get the bridge part )



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0    @ 05-11-2003 14:42Rass is offline Rass 
5,430 posts
I want to hold a day in my hand. I want to squeeze it and make it mine. Please god what I’d give for that day. I want to see Kris smile, want to hear Jessi laugh. I want to see Lorenzo dance as Nakita sings. I want to look at Eric, odd in his height, and still see him as a child. I want that hour. What I would not do for those 40 minutes, repeat the actions, listen to the jokes and feel the lights burning above us. I want that day, that happy day. I want that hour, 45 minutes of bliss. Please god. What I wouldn’t give.

Bring me the bridge back god. Bring me back to that second when I realized what I had in my hands. I want that second. The moment. The smile on my sister’s lips, the rock of my cousins body as he sat on his heels. Bring me back to the bridge. Let me climb back under, I want it back, that moment, so I can put it in a frame for all to see, hang it under my heart for all eternity. I want that bliss back lord; can’t you give it to me?

Or how about the football practice in the backyard. Lifted high on the tin roof over the patio. Popcorn and soda, two sisters watching a father and son toss a pigskin back and forth. I grieve for it lord. Give me back that moment. I want to record it. Play it back over and over again until the tape wears out. I want to sell that perfection for no dollars and no cents. I want to free it all. It was the best lord, and it is gone.
I want the night back, when I looked out over the world, and realized I was all alone while I would never be alone. The sight that gave me the realization that I am one in many, but I am only one, one. Give me it back lord, show me it again, let me realize it again and again and again as only a child can. It felt so good as I felt it all crash against me. Oh lord I want that innocence back. Let me be innocent again my Lord.

Take for granted what you don’t know is heaven, when it’s gone you will cry. Anything can be the memory you look back on and cry as you yearn for that day, that hour, that moment, that feeling. A simple sunset can be the realization of everything in life. A single look from your best friend can let you know it’s all all right. A single day when the bored and annoyed kick back and laugh can show you heaven must be real. A single scene in time of a late spring afternoon, a laughing twelve year old and his father throwing a football can give anyone, ANYONE, hope for the future. Every second is taken for granted; every moment can be bliss. Don’t dream up what heaven must be like, half the time you’ve already been there.



oh yeah and if i 'offend' anyone with my God and Lord using and such, sorry i was emotional when i wrote it deal with it and ignore it if you can't deal with it
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:20Rass is offline Rass 
5,430 posts
no one wants to read my poetic insanity? (sniffles) okay then
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:23Dream27 is offline Dream27 
6,205 posts
i'll read it! but just not now. i'm on my way to the hospital or some clinic. i'll make sore to read adn comment on it.
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:24salaam is offline salaam 
15,547 posts
lol... that was a little long.... But I read it I read it! ... and i liked it... Yeah... It was nice!
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:24kiehsheik is offline kiehsheik 
45 posts
hi rass i think that poem you made is quite good, remember me?
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:26Rass is offline Rass 
5,430 posts
no! i dont know who you are! lol joking and thanks for saying it was nice, you can say it wasn't if you want, i dont mind in fact i want someone to say that if it's the truth, people always go "its good" or "its nice" when it's obvious memories i cherrish i want someone to go "uh...okay it wasn't that good?" lol i dunno, or more feedback? okay i be quiet now, my brains freaking out
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:27salaam is offline salaam 
15,547 posts
ah but it was nice!
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:28Rass is offline Rass 
5,430 posts
i know like i said, my brain is freaking out, if you need know you can see my thread "lover i dont have to love - bright eyes"
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:33kiehsheik is offline kiehsheik 
45 posts
you know rass you could be a poet someday, no kiddin' all you need is to be calm, ok!
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:35Violent_Jones is offline Violent_Jones 
2,600 posts
Ok, I have just one really quick question.

Do not get all mad at me, k? This is not bloody personal, got it?

Do you believe that hell is a place or a state of mind?
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:35Rass is offline Rass 
5,430 posts
aw i dont know what the definition of a poet is though lol
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:36salaam is offline salaam 
15,547 posts
maybe someone who write poems??
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:36Rass is offline Rass 
5,430 posts
mmmm don't know yet, my belief system is on hiatus and hasn't settled down yet, right now i'm stuck at "if, IF heven and hell is a real place, heaven is a huge mansion and hell is a broom closet in that mansion"
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:39kiehsheik is offline kiehsheik 
45 posts
it's time for me to say good bye rass! believe me you'll become a poet someday!!
0    @ 05-11-2003 15:41Rass is offline Rass 
5,430 posts
bye bye
0    @ 05-11-2003 18:11Briar_Rose is offline Briar_Rose 
188 posts
I like!
A lot, I could feel the emotion as I read it, and I sorta see what you feel, what you mean.
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