Poetry | Poem/song, not sure which...

Page tools: add reply; start topic; rss; hall of fame; who's online

Poem/song, not sure which...

read 18 reaction(s)

@ 02-11-2003 13:52 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Okay, I made this the other day, to my ex, only 23 days, I wonder why it hit me so hard... anyway, i'm not sure if I want to make it into a song or what, and it's going to need a name... I know I lost my chance Should've known I'd only get one But all I need is one last dance One more look into your eyes, then I'm done You're right here under my fingertips Pretty soon you'll just drift away I can't remember the taste of your lips And I'm forgetting you more each day I've got to let you know how I feel Remember when you kissed me under the moonlit sky? The fire inside me re-kindled, I knew this was real Now I'm sitting here, tears welling in my eyes Why did you leave me, you were my last hope Everyone else is gone, no one to talk to My life's never been at such a low Now I don't know what to do... Remember that night, we were walking down the street It was so dark, you were lagging behind You came up behind me, arms held open wide, and enfolded me I never felt so right... Then, came that one big fight I couldn't believe some of the things we said I felt terrible inside, I cried for nights Sometimes I wished I was dead.... I couldn't take the pain it caused But I couldn't let you know My life was on a pause I knew I would never be able to let you go... And then that night, you told me something I'll never forget You told me you still loved me, my heart was filled with joy, But the pain still ebbed at me, I still cried, my face was wet... All these tears, all this pain, caused by you, an unforgettable boy Maybe someday, we'll really talk again Just like we did before... Maybe, one day, we'll be more than friends But I'm still here, crying on the floor... There are some parts I don't like, constructive critiscm would be appreciated..

Showing posts 1-18 of 18

Page 1 of 1

Discussion
0 @ 02-11-2003 13:54 ravenskiss
7,497 posts	it's good, pretty sad (in a crying way), it sounds like it's from your heart do you still want titles?
0 @ 02-11-2003 14:02 Katka36
11,063 posts	awww how sad.... i will tell ya one thing. i like those songs/poems more which have a title that is not in the lyrics. so just like faint by lp, the word 'faint' is not in the lyrics.
0 @ 02-11-2003 14:09 Rass
5,430 posts	Remember that night, we were walking down the street It was so dark, you were lagging behind You came up behind me, arms held open wide, and enfolded me I never felt so right... i like it, but theres just something that is getting at me, i dont know what for sure, i think its the "you were lagging behind" part that gets at me, it's just something about that makes me think you were walking away from him, which isn't what you meant i dont think, maybe something like "you let yourself fall behind" or something ya know? You're right here under my fingertips Pretty soon you'll just drift away I can't remember the taste of your lips And I'm forgetting you more each day i LOVE this, its just like so great, i think its my favorite part I've got to let you know how I feel Remember when you kissed me under the moonlit sky? The fire inside me re-kindled, I knew this was real Now I'm sitting here, tears welling in my eyes this seems slightly awkward to me, i can't find a 'beat' for it like the rest, but if you do turn it into a song then it doesn't have to change at all, thats the beauty of songs, it seems odd in poem form but with the music and the beat it works wonderfully I couldn't take the pain it caused But I couldn't let you know My life was on a pause I knew I would never be able to let you go... it tugs at me, like the first one i was saying, it doesn't HAVE to change but the last two parts tugs at my brain, first two are great but the second two get under my skin, not bad, they would work in song form but since you asked for criticism lol i would think something like "my life was on hold, i knew i couldn't let you go" or "my life was stalled, i'd never be able to let you go" or something, ya know, its yours so you can fiddle with it lol Maybe someday, we'll really talk again Just like we did before... Maybe, one day, we'll be more than friends But I'm still here, crying on the floor... i really really like this, but if i wrote it i wouldn't have it "crying on the floor" i would look for something more close to home...like "but i'm still here, crying outside your bedroom door" or "but i'm still here, crying beside our closed door" i dont know lol, once again its yours so you can fiddle with it, it just seems that floor has been used a lot in this kind of thing but in a sense you and him closed the door on your relationship with that huge fight, ya know? so yeah overall i loved this, it was good and meaningful and gave me shivers, if it were a song i'm sure it would leave me in tears
0 @ 02-11-2003 14:15 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Thank you all so much.. and yeah rass, i know what you mean, some parts were tugging at me too... and I really liked the bedroom door thing... and i think i will make it into a song, and i haeve a guitar too! whoo hoo, this should be fun... I'm thinking of giving this to him, or when i make the song sing it to him... what do you all think? oh and yeah, any titles would be appreciated
0 @ 02-11-2003 14:19 Rass
5,430 posts	i think that would be cool to sing it to him when its all done and such, as long as you dont get cold feet lol i hate that i write songs that i love practice and practer and then when it comes to singing it to the person i was gonna sing it to i run away and hide in my closet lol i'm thinking about what the title should be, but i dont know, it depends if you want it to be slightly missleading, line or word from the song, have nothing to do with the song, or have a very deep meaning
0 @ 02-11-2003 14:20 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	lol, i hope i dont get scared too... but i think i want the title slightly misleading, or something deep, im not sure... either one of those would be great.. im never good with titles lol
0 @ 02-11-2003 21:18 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	does anyone else have any critiscm or titles? pleeeaasse?? even if you think theyre stupid, tell me pppppppllllleeeeeeeeaaaasssssse!!! wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee runs out of thread
0 @ 02-11-2003 21:47 IrishMeg1
21,216 posts	wow, that is good alicia!! (sorry for a long response, i was going to but then the letssingit stopped working ) but i think this is very good.. now for a title maybe something like... The Heartbreaking Boy... lol i dont know, im not good with titles, but ill think of some and tell ya?? i think its all good, make some more
0 @ 02-11-2003 22:11 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	yeah, ive been trying to get all my emotions into some poems, but there so much shizzle to talk about, it's hard... thanks though... and i hate it when letssingit goes all weirrdd it scares me lol * offtopic : what was up with that girl, the one who typed real weird... she looked like she was stoned...
0 @ 02-11-2003 22:27 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	I think i'm just gonna call this untitled, and leave it at that... i can't find any suiting name for this.... but if you still have any ideas, feel free to post
0 @ 02-11-2003 23:47 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	i know i said i was going to sing this to him, but do you think i should give him the poem first?
0 @ 03-11-2003 01:57 radiate86
3,311 posts	That's wicked good!! I definitely think you should make it into a song. Like Katka said, I also like when the name isn't even in the song, but I think it would be cool if you called it "Moonlit Sky" cause I like that part, and even though you're not together and it makes you sad to know that, you still remember him in a good way, a bright way...kinda like the moonlit sky. Kinda corny, but just a suggestion. Good job!
0 @ 03-11-2003 02:20 Rass
5,430 posts	on that 'moonlit sky' note, since that is a good idea about how you remember him in a good and "bright" way how about ... .. .. ... ... moonlit boy lol sorry
0 @ 03-11-2003 02:21 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	aww thanks that means alot to me people here are so nice... i haven't really talked to you yet, my name's alicia, how are you?
0 @ 03-11-2003 14:29 Katka36
11,063 posts	hi alicia! you have a nice name! very nice! im fine, cos i havent felt like this (what you wrote about)... but im fed up wit this f*ckin antivirus programme cos it always pops up argh! but still feeling happy, i talked to my lOvE today, im flying lol...
0 @ 03-11-2003 15:47 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	lol, thats good, and thanks bout the name thingy!
0 @ 04-11-2003 00:28 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Okay, I changed some things around because of current events, but they might change again.... so here it is "Untitled" I know I lost my chance Should've known I'd only get one But all I need is one dance One more look into your eyes, then I'm done You're right here under my fingertips Pretty soon you'll just drift away I can't remember the taste of your lips And I'm forgetting you more each day I've got to let you know how I feel Remember when you kissed me under the moonlit sky? The fire inside me re-kindled, I knew this was real Now I'm sitting here, tears welling in my eyes Why did you leave me, you were my last hope Everyone else is gone, no one to talk to My life's never been at such a low Now I don't know what to do... Remember that night, we were walking down the street It was so dark, you were lagging behind You came up behind me, arms held open wide, and enfolded me I never felt so right... Then, came that one big fight I couldn't believe some of the things we said I felt terrible inside, I cried for nights Sometimes I wished I was dead.... I couldn't take the pain it caused But I couldn't let you know My life was stalled I'd never be able to let you go... And then that night, you told me something I'll never forget You told me you still loved me, my heart was filled with joy, But the pain still ebbed at me, I still cried, my face was wet... All these tears, all this pain, caused by you, an unforgettable boy Now we've started talking again Just like we did before But I guess we'll just be friends And never anything more... Now you don't love me, it tore my heart in two... Why can't everything be like before? No there's nothing I can do Except sit crying outside your closed door...
0 @ 04-11-2003 00:28 BrandNew88AFI02
7,960 posts	Okay, I changed some things around because of current events, but they might change again.... so here it is "Untitled" I know I lost my chance Should've known I'd only get one But all I need is one dance One more look into your eyes, then I'm done You're right here under my fingertips Pretty soon you'll just drift away I can't remember the taste of your lips And I'm forgetting you more each day I've got to let you know how I feel Remember when you kissed me under the moonlit sky? The fire inside me re-kindled, I knew this was real Now I'm sitting here, tears welling in my eyes Why did you leave me, you were my last hope Everyone else is gone, no one to talk to My life's never been at such a low Now I don't know what to do... Remember that night, we were walking down the street It was so dark, you were lagging behind You came up behind me, arms held open wide, and enfolded me I never felt so right... Then, came that one big fight I couldn't believe some of the things we said I felt terrible inside, I cried for nights Sometimes I wished I was dead.... I couldn't take the pain it caused But I couldn't let you know My life was stalled I'd never be able to let you go... And then that night, you told me something I'll never forget You told me you still loved me, my heart was filled with joy, But the pain still ebbed at me, I still cried, my face was wet... All these tears, all this pain, caused by you, an unforgettable boy Now we've started talking again Just like we did before But I guess we'll just be friends And never anything more... Now you don't love me, it tore my heart in two... Why can't everything be like before? No there's nothing I can do Except sit crying outside your closed door...