Poetry | Heeeeere's another one!

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Heeeeere's another one!

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@ 27-09-2003 22:58 FoZZy_FrEEk
80 posts	"Free..." I was free today... Free from guilt! I was free today... Free from pain! I was free today... Free from sick! I was free today... Free from home! I was free today... Free from the rut! I was free today... Free from everyday! I was free today... Free from sad! I was free today... Free from complication! I was free today... Free from worry! But I was free today... Free from love? Then I was free today... Free from... What? But I was free today... Or was I?

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Discussion
0 @ 27-09-2003 23:01 ViSioN
4,030 posts	thats good.. i dont know much about poetry but id still like to make a suggestion.. maybe if you got rid of some of the I was free today. just keep the first one, then do all the free stuff until the end where you change it up with the other free questions.. i hope that made sense.
0 @ 27-09-2003 23:02 ViSioN
4,030 posts	"Free..." I was free today... Free from guilt! Free from pain! Free from sick! Free from home! Free from the rut! Free from everyday! Free from sad! Free from complication! Free from worry! But I was free today... Free from love? Then I was free today... Free from... What? But I was free today... Or was I? that would be what id change it to. either way its good. and like i said, i dont know much, if anything at all, about poetry, so dont take my word for it.
0 @ 27-09-2003 23:15 FoZZy_FrEEk
80 posts	Well, the repitition "I was free today..." is the base of the whole poem...It was inspired by one of those days that you'd have to be there to REALLY understand it's signifigance. But, Thanks for actually giving some critisizm... along with a few positive points.
0 @ 27-09-2003 23:20 Jez
12,757 posts	Well here I am, after being directed here by yourself Fozzy. Another good poem but I do tend to agree with Vision that it might be better with less 'free from' but it's a personal thing.
0 @ 27-09-2003 23:25 FoZZy_FrEEk
80 posts	I think I'm going to need to attempt to explain why I felt the need to continualy repete the phrase "I was free today..." because that's what was continualy running through my head... the whole day, until I got home... then it was still running through my head as I began to think about that really I wasn't, it was just like, a temporary break for a while...not really free. Did that make sence? I hope so!
0 @ 28-09-2003 20:33 pielickchick
195 posts	hmmm i like the reptition it makes it what it is....but thats just me...any awesome poem keep it up
0 @ 28-09-2003 20:38 ViSioN
4,030 posts	and like i said before.. i really dont know anything about poetry..
0 @ 29-09-2003 07:51 Rass
5,430 posts	okay, you wanted my opinion, here it is i dont agree that you should cut down on the "i was free today..." the repetitiveness is an asset, and a good one, it solidifies the point, you were free today, and in the end it says "or was i?" which just means that you have been saying you are and telling yourself you are but you aren't sure, which just makes it seem that it's not that you're being repetative, its that you're trying to not only convince us but yourself that you were indeed free today and, like with all good poems lately this one gave itself a beat in my head and went "hello rass, i'm a poem but really i'm a song in disuise, sing me, siiiing meeee, you know you want to, siiiiing meeee" lol which just made the repetitiveness even greater of a thing sum up: its good and repetative, but the repetativeness is good and needed, sounds like you're trying to convince your audience and yourself that you were free but you dont really think you are keep it up
0 @ 29-09-2003 07:57 becky_g
377 posts	i agree with rass. thats all i have to say on that.. lol mainly because what i think is exactly wat rass said.. lol cheers!
0 @ 29-09-2003 07:58 FoZZy_FrEEk
80 posts	0.0 I didn't know poems talked outside of content. But, OK... what kind of beat did it have when you sang it? Oh well... thanx!
0 @ 29-09-2003 08:02 FoZZy_FrEEk
80 posts	Thanx Becky! oes her Crazy Happy Dance*

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Forum / Poetry / Heeeeere's another one!

Heeeeere's another one!