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feedback for a poem (i need it)
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@ 05-09-2003 03:45 Rass | 5,430 posts
| okay, i'm putting this up in a new topic, simply because i dont see any thread where i can put this, and i appologize if there is one but here's my poem thingy and i need feedback on it x.x |
| Showing posts 1-9 of 9 | Page 1 of 1 |
| Discussion |
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 0  @ 05-09-2003 03:45 Rass | 5,430 posts
| She lives outside the city limits
She’s happy with who she’s become
But something’s pulling at the back of her mind
Reminding her just what she came from
She’s been searching now for fifteen years
For the child she left in the cold
She cries herself to sleep each and every night
Hoping she left her in a better world
Forever searching
Forever working
Forever looking
For a better world
Forever running
Forever crying
Forever dreaming
Of a better world
Her mother is crying but she doesn’t know why
She clings to her shirt as she’s carried along
She cries too as children often do
She has no idea of what’s wrong
She is set down; her mother says, “Stay there”
Left there alone, just a scared baby girl
The door opens and she sits crying
She’s now been left in a “better” world
For five years she’s been in this place
She hardly gets a side wards glance
She’s not that cute, she acts more like a devil
‘Cause she knows for a fact the others have more of a chance
For five years she’s been all-alone
All alone in her bed, she’s curled
As dreams of her mother fill her head
She whimpers and cries for a better world
She’s in trouble again and they’ve called a conference
She’s a troublemaker and bad to the core
But she doesn’t care ‘cause she knows she’s alone
Nobody cares for her anymore
She sits outside the orphanage office
Nobody wants her for she’s gotten too old
She gets up and runs for it without hesitation
Intent on finding herself a better world
Seven years of careful planning
She’s with a man though he beats her each day
She thinks this has got to be better
Than the street with no job and no where to stay
He treats her like garbage but she stays all the same
But slowly she realizes that she’s been fooled
Inside he’s just as hollow as she is
She dreams again for a better world
She fled the night she knew she was pregnant
Unable to cope with the pain and the fights
She left the child on the doorstep of a clinic
Attached was a note of her incredible plight
Story hit the news and they wanted to help her
She had no money to spend and no place to sleep
She wandered the streets lost in thought each night
Wishing for her daughter a better world
But now she lives outside the city limits
She’s mostly happy with who she’s become
But something pulls at the back of her mind
Reminding her just where she came from
She’s been searching now for fifteen years
Just down the street her daughter waits to be found…
| | 0 @ 05-09-2003 04:39 CatX3 | 2,296 posts
| oh that's so sad... it's really good... but really sad... you almost had me crying! but yeh the imagery in it is fantastic... the whole time I was reading it I could see it happening in my mind...
| | 0 @ 05-09-2003 04:59 Guinness1759 | 5,220 posts
| I'm just like Cat in this... it's really really fantastic. it has all what a good poem should have. simply great. of course it's veery very sad and strong on emotion, but that's a part of a good poem in my opinion.
[topic=The Poem Corner!-1]If you wanna read more poems by other forumers[/topic] | | 0 @ 05-09-2003 05:00 Guinness1759 | 5,220 posts
| Don't mind the link... just go to the thread called "The Poem Corner!" | | 0 @ 05-09-2003 16:43 DaRkSiDe | 21,558 posts
| It's fantastic! | | 0 @ 05-09-2003 16:54 star_light | 3,206 posts
| thats amazing...really powerful and profound. | | 0 @ 06-09-2003 00:57 Rass | 5,430 posts
| thank you all, i'll post the poem in the poem corner then | | 0 @ 06-09-2003 05:35 Rass | 5,430 posts
| kinda hard to believe i wrote this all just from overhearing some boy in geometry class say "she lives outside the city limits" x.x | | 0 @ 07-09-2003 11:33 CatX3 | 2,296 posts
| isn't it funny how inspiration can come from anywhere... the simplest of things can evoke emotions in us... sorry just having a d+m by myself... but it makes me stop and think.... you know? |
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